Star Trek Voyager: Vulcans
by HotMezoti
Summary: Rae Matheson gets the opportunity of her dreams to go on an away mission with Vorik. Finally a chance to get to know him, but nothing goes as planned. She wonders, was loneliness preferable to longing? Lemony content. Characters owned by the Star Trek universe. Liberties taken with the timeline - shh, just let it happen. Venturing into Star trek territory, what started it all.
1. Chapter 1

Rae Matheson

"Matheson, could you recheck those calculations? They look accurate, but we're going to input them to the system this morning, and I'd appreciate your sharp eye."

She nodded, "Certainly sir." She watched as crewman Boylan walked away past Ensign Vorik, her gaze pausing on the Vulcan until he turned around from the panel and she quickly looked back at her datapad.

She worked part time in engineering. The other half of her shifts were in hydroponics with Kes. She was never part of the original crew, she was a contractor, only meant to be on Voyager a short time to assist with the shakedown cruise. She worked on the installation of the computer systems, then was scheduled to be dropped off at Deep Space 4 station. That, of course, never happened.

She finished her calculations, letting Boylan know there were correct.

"Thanks, I figured they were right, but I like to double check anyway."

"Ensign Matheson is always accurate." Vorik said, continuing to input on the panel.

Rae smiled, then quickly regained her composure. She was rarely acknowledged by him, as much as he filled her daily thoughts.

She turned and went back to her station, finishing her work. She let Lieutenant Torres know she was done with her shift and her work and headed to hydroponics.

"Sure ensign, oh – by the way, there's something I'd like to discuss with you if you have some time."

Rae nodded, and followed her to the conference room, her mind racing, had she done something, forgotten something, made a mistake somewhere? She looked up at Torres as she turned to gesture towards the empty planning room. They sat down and Rae tried to read her expression, but there was no indication of emotion either way.

"We are approaching a planet that has some minerals we are in dire need of for life support systems, maintaining the gel packs and the filtration systems you have in hydroponics. We're planning a small crew to go down on an away mission and obtain them, and I was considering you for the team."

Rae's eye widened and she cleared her throat, "Me?"

Torres smiled broadly, "Yes. You have a bioengineering degree with a minor in geology, correct?"

Rae nodded.

"Your expertise would be invaluable. I'm also sending Ensign Ashmore. He has experience with planetary geology and rock climbing experience." B'lanna stood up and brought up the computer panel. "The planet, identified as Baylor is a volcanic planet with stable regions with small caverns and canyons that contain the minerals we're after. Your role on this mission is support and assist with identifying the composition and quantities of the minerals as the team brings them on board. We don't want to leave the planet until we have what we need." She sat back down across from Rae.

"We're approaching the system in a few days. We will orbit the planet while you are down there in the delta flyer. We expect it will take at least a few days, if not a week. Ensign Vorik will be head of the mission, so it will be the three of you."

"Ensign Vorik?"

"Yes. Actually, he recommended you for the mission."

Rae was surprised. He never seemed to give her much of a second thought.

"You are interested in going, aren't you?" B'lanna eyed her critically.

Rae snapped out of her thoughts, "Yea, yes, definitely. I'm just wondering, how are we going to manage the logistics of being in the delta flyer for that long?"

"We've been rebuilding it over the last months, added crew quarters in the back, a complete overhaul. It's cramped, but do-able. Tom's been helping with the design, it's less of a racer and more of a cargo shuttle now." She stood up. "We'll have group meetings over the next week to go over particulars of the mission. I've taken the liberty of asking Kes if she could spare you from hydroponics the next few weeks, and she's agreed. As long as you're committed to the mission, I will confirm with the Captain, and we'll set up the first team meeting for tomorrow."

Rae stood up, "Yes ma'am. Looking forward to it."

"Great. I'll let you know the particulars when you're back on shift tomorrow." She walked out the conference room. Rae followed behind her and turned for the elevator to go to hydroponics bay.

Lost in thought, she thought about what the mission would entail, what it would be like. She'd need to bone up on her mineral analysis and make sure she brought the right equipment. As the elevator doors closed behind her, she turned and thought about what it would be like to be in cramped quarters with Vorik for a week. It would be a great opportunity to get to know him better, for him to get to her as well. Maybe she would finally have a chance to get his interest.

She met Kes who was already working on some vegetable hybrids they'd been developing.

"Hey, Lieutenant Torres messaged me. So you're going on the away mission?"

Rae grinned, "Yup. Why didn't you say anything?"

"She asked me not to. She wasn't sure who she was going to send. She wants to groom some of the crew for upper positions and was considering quite a few people. She said Vorik's recommendation put you at the top."

Again Rae was surprised. "I don't understand that, he hardly ever talks to me."

Kes shrugged, "So, he's impressed by your work. Vulcans are quiet. You know that."

Rae smirked. She certainly did know. She grew up on Vulcan. Her parents were stationed there for work and they were advocates of integrating into the community. She was fluent in Vulcan, and tried to keep it up by using it when she was alone in her quarters. On the ship, it made no difference, as their communicators had translators built in.

She was quiet as she worked alongside Kes and contemplated the mission, imagining them working together, eating together. This was her chance, and she wanted to make sure she impressed him.

"You want to get something in the mess hall?" Kes took off her apron at the end of their shift.

Rae shook her head, "No, I think I'll go up to my quarters. I've got some things up there in the kitchen."

"I'll bring you up some cake Neelix made."

"The chocolate one?"

Kes nodded.

"Thanks, that would be great."

Rae took the elevator up to deck 10 where the guest quarters were. Putting her palm print on the panel, her door opened and she walked in, stopping to finally do a little happy dance in her living room.

"Yes, yes, yes!" she couldn't believe she was chosen for the away mission. They were few and far between and the senior crew usually went. Sometimes they'd take one of the lower crew members, but rarely. It was nice to be recognized and to be selected on Vorik's recommendation, well, he must think good of her at least a little bit. They would be working closely together and he would definitely not want to take someone he didn't think he could get along with.

She took a shower and changed into shorts and a tank top, making herself a sandwich in her kitchen. As a contractor, she'd been temporarily assigned to the guest quarters and had a full apartment, kitchen, living room and bedroom. It was small, but much larger than the other crew quarters. Because she'd been in the process of moving to a 2 year assignment on Deep Space station 4, she had packed a lot of her possessions. One of the few people on board who were lucky enough to have done so. After they were thrown into the Delta quadrant, she had offered to the Captain to move into the crew quarters, but the Captain had told her to stay where she was. There were 6 more empty ones on her floor. Kes and Nelix, Ensign Wildman and her daughter Naomi lived in two other apartments on the same deck. Over time, she supposed as people got together and perhaps started families, these apartments would likely go to them, but for now she was allowed to stay there.

She sat at her table and ate a vegetarian meal. A habit she'd picked up on Vulcan. She brought up her datapad and started researching the minerals Lieutenant Torres had messaged her they would be mining.

Her door pinged, and she called out, "Enter." Perfect timing for cake.

She was shocked to see not Kes, but Vorik standing in her doorway. She jumped up from her table and brushed the crumbs off her lap, "Ensign Vorik, I wasn't expecting you."

She walked towards him, "Please, come in, come in."

He walked in a few feet and the door closed behind him. He was still in uniform. The only time she'd ever actually seen him out of uniform was at the Luau, when he was still trying to get Torres' attention. It had been a few years since then, and fortunately she'd moved on with Tom Paris.

She put her hand on her hip awkwardly. "What can I do for you?"

"I heard you are coming on the away mission next week."

"Yes, I'm very excited to go. Would you like to sit down?" she gestured to her couch, "I could get you something to eat if you'd like. It's vegetarian."

He shook his head, "No thank you, I've eaten. I wanted to tell you I'm pleased you are coming on the mission. I think you and Ensign Ashmore will make it a successful."

She nodded. There was an awkward silence. She cleared her throat, "Are you sure you don't want something to drink or something?" she couldn't think.

To her surprise he nodded, "Yes, actually."

She went to her kitchen and opened her cold storage. "I have juice or I could make some Vulcan tea." She lowered her voice when she realized he had followed her into her kitchen.

"You have Vulcan tea?"

"Yes, I brought it with me when I came on board. I still have quite a bit. I save it for special occasions now." She smiled and brought it down, mixing it and putting it in water in the heater.

Vorik shook his head, "Why do you have Vulcan tea? I've never known a human to like it."

She took it out of the heater and handed it to him, "I grew up on Vulcan." She took a sip and smiled over her glass for the chance to finally tell him that.

"Indeed." He took a sip. "That is quite good. I haven't had any in so many years."

"Here, please take some with you," she took a second container out of her cupboard and held it out.

"I don't want to take your limited stores."

"It would give me pleasure to have you enjoy it," she bowed her head slightly.

He tipped his head towards her and took the tea. "Thank you." They drank in silence in her kitchen. She was nearly shivering with excitement at the scene playing out, her in her shorts and tank top, drinking tea with her crush in her kitchen.

When she'd first come on the ship she'd noticed him, and had initially tried to get his attention, subtlety. It was too late – he'd already had an interest in B'lanna Torres, and after that situation finally played out, she'd been too afraid to try again. It was almost as if he was her last hope, and as long as he hadn't rejected her, there was still hope. He'd never shown any interest in her at all, the few times she'd tried, so she'd kept to herself.

"Um, why don't we go sit down." She motioned to her living room. He nodded and walked out, her following him. He sat down on the couch and she panicked, trying to figure out where to sit – not too close, not too far away. Her door pinged. "Enter." She looked as the door opened and Kes walked in holding a plate with a piece of cake on it.

"Brought it as promised. Oh – Vorik, nice to see you. I brought plenty, if you'd like to have some too. I can bring more from my quarters."

Rae shook her head, "It's chocolate. He can't eat it."

Kes made a face, "Oh, that's a shame. Well, I'll leave it here," she put it on the table, "Sorry to interrupt." And started back for the door.

"I should leave as well." Vorik got up.

"No, it's okay-" Rae started.

Kes saw the look on her face and chimed in, "Yes, I was only making a delivery. I have to get back to Neelix. Have a good night." She smiled and briskly walked out.

"Please, stay." Rae turned back to Vorik.

He shook his head and finished the last drink of tea. "I've got work to get back to. I just wanted to touch base with you before the meeting tomorrow. It's a great opportunity, this mission. I'm glad you agreed to go."

"Yes," she nodded, looking at him intently, "A great opportunity."

He handed her back the cup and leaned down to retrieve the container of tea she'd given him. As he turned to go, he caught a glimpse of her bedroom through the open doorway. He pointed at the wall over her dresser, "Are those Vulcan?" he pointed at her knife collection on the wall.

"Yes. You can look at it if you want."

He nodded and looked at the various weapons she had displayed. "May I?" he reached up for one.

She nodded as she leaned her arms on her dresser.

He carefully pulled it off its mount and examined a ceremonial knife.

"This is quite interesting."

She smiled, "A good friend gave me that. He knew I collected them."

Vorik looked at her carefully. He put it back and picked up another one, "This is very unusual. How did you acquire this one?"

She cleared her throat, "My brother gave me that as a gift."

"Hm." Vorik turned it over. "It is very intricate, very beautiful." He handed it back to her. "That is usually given as a wedding gift."

"Yes." She took it back and placed it in its mount.

"I had no idea you had such an extensive collection on board. I've never heard anyone mention it."

"I keep pretty much to myself. I have a lot of my things because I was transporting to my next assignment."

He nodded, "Any other Vulcan artifacts? I admit, you are bringing a sense of home to me that I didn't realize I missed."

He puzzled her, most Vulcans she knew were not so sentimental, or at least, not so forthright about it. Maybe being on a ship with humans all these years was having an effect.

She smirked, "Well, it's not like I have a lirpa on board."

He laughed.

She was shocked, he actually laughed at her joke. He was very different than she thought he would be. She enjoyed seeing a more personal side of him. He looked up and something else caught his eye. He walked over to her closet, her clothes hanging up on open shelves. "Is this what I think it is?" he took a heavily embroidered sleeve in his hand.

She swallowed hard. He certainly was getting to know a lot about her in one evening. "That is my godmother's ceremonial wedding dress."

He looked at her incredulously, "And she gave it to you?"

Rae sat on her bed, her pulling her slender pale legs underneath her. "She had no children. I was like a daughter to her. When my parents were killed in a shuttle accident I was still a teenager, and I went to live with her."

He looked at the sleeve more carefully, "This is usually handed down with an impending wedding. Were you bonded to someone before you were assigned to Voyager?"

"No, I had a broken engagement. I was a month away from the ceremony when Tavik ended it."

He let the sleeve drop. "I apologize for asking you such deeply personal questions. I didn't mean to distress you."

"It was long ago. We both moved past it before I joined up with Starfleet."

"You kept the dress, and brought it aboard."

"Of course."

"Maybe you'll wear it someday."

She held her breath, "Perhaps."

He nodded, "At least you are well protected with these easily accessible." He pointed to her weapon collection.

She looked behind her and laughed, "If the ship is ever overtaken again, you know where to find the good stuff."

He walked towards the doorway, "Thank you for sharing such personal items and memories with me. I had no idea you were so entwined in Vulcan culture."

She stood up and followed him to her door. "It's a part of me, a part of who I am." She leaned against her wall as he opened the door.

"I'll see you tomorrow morning."

She nodded. "Thank you for coming by, I enjoyed your company." She felt herself turning red.

He bowed his head slightly and she did the same. As the door closed, she leaned her head against the wall and looked up at her ceiling, "Holy shit, I can't believe that just happened." She had hoped he might have conversations with her on the mission, maybe get to know her on a little more personal level, and in the last 30 minutes she'd been able to share more of her than she'd ever had in the past 5 years. It had gone so well. She was thrilled. There was real potential for something more. She'd been so lonely on the ship, that fact more palpable now that she'd had a taste of his company.

"Wow." She sat and ate the piece of cake and thought about how great the mission was going to be.


	2. Chapter 2

The next morning she took extra care getting ready for her shift. Her hair had to be pulled back, but she gave more attention to her makeup. She couldn't remember looking so forward to going to work. She looked around for Vorik when she entered Engineering. She always did that, actually, but just to steal a glance. Now she had the ability to go talk to him. He wasn't in the room. Ensign Carrey walked up to her.

"Lieutenant Torres said to meet her in the conference room."

She nodded and made her way there, Vorik and Ashmore already seated. She sat across and nodded at them as they talked. Ashmore was older, more experienced, but he was animated about the mission.

"I've got some ideas about that protective suit we talked about. I'll send it to you." He told Vorik, who nodded.

Lieutenant Torres came in and opened the computer screen. She went over details of the mission and as a team they discussed the particulars of the location, the equipment they would need. Time ran over and they broke for lunch, the three of them going to the mess hall together.

They were still talking about particulars of the mission getting their food from the buffet Neelix had set out. Taking their food and sitting down, Rae was getting tired of Ashmore's incessant monopolizing of the conversation. She ate, absentmindedly listening to his ideas about ropes and cording he wanted to take. Suddenly he said something that caught her attention.

"I'll send you the recipe. You can make it easily in your replicator." Ashmore said.

Vorik nodded.

"What, what recipe?" she asked.

Ashmore turned his attention to her. "For vegetable taurine. I made it last night when he came over for dinner. It's real good. I'll send it to you too." He brought up his datapad and started typing.

Suddenly it hit her, Vorik had made rounds last night, getting to know his mission team. He'd gone by Ashmore's quarters first. That's why he told her he'd already eaten. He came by her quarters next to, how had he put it? To touch base and welcome her to the mission. She sat back in disappointment. She'd felt very special that he'd come to see her, instantly read more into it than there actually was. She looked down and picked at her meal with her fork. She tried to keep things in perspective. Her excitement had clouded her judgement, but nothing bad had happened. It was the most they had ever talked, and even though it was just work, it was better than nothing. And that's what the last 5 years had been, a whole lot of nothing.

She'd been asked out before by a couple of the crew. She turned them down. She tried a few dates with one of the guys on security crew, but it didn't work out. He was nice enough, but too gregarious and frankly, silly. His sense of humor grated on her nerves, and as limited as options were on the ship, she knew she couldn't stand a lifetime of listening to his lame jokes. Of course, none of them were Vorik, either. She knew it was unusual, most women on the ship talked about Chakotay's rugged handsomeness, Paris' good looks. She had been attracted to Vorik instantly, and not just because he was Vulcan. She'd dated humans before. She just liked him, his intelligence, his demeanor. Getting a glimpse at his more personal side last night had just whetted her appetite. She put her chin in her hand and looked at him sitting across her, watched as he nodded and made polite responses to Ashmore's questions. She was about to spend a week with him in a shuttle, eating together, sleeping together, close quarters. She smiled. It would work out.

The next week was a blur of meetings, research and packing for the mission. Before she knew it, the morning to leave was there. She felt prepared, having researched relentlessly, helped by a few of the crew who also had some geology experience. Freshly showered, dressed and bag packed, she made her way down to the new and improved delta flyer. It was a shadow of its former self, enlarged and more suited to away missions. She walked over to Vorik and Torres, as well as Captain Janeway who was there to see them off. The Captain held out her hand and Rae shook it.

"Be safe. We have great faith in you and your team for a successful mission."

"I won't let you down, Captain." Rae said.

She stood next to Vorik, who looked down at her, "You can put your things on board. We're still waiting for Ashmore."

She nodded and stepped inside. She made her way behind the cockpit to the small quarters that held four bunks, a table and replicator and bathroom. On the side was a room with protective enviro suits that could be closed off when they exited the shuttle. The planet had a harsh environment with little oxygen and poisonous gasses. When they left to get the minerals they would have to protect themselves.

A sudden movement at her side caught her attention. "Going to be great, isn't it?" Ashmore clapped her back.

She grinned, "Yup."

"Well, I'm going to bunk over there." He put his bag under the cot.

She hesitated. She didn't want to be sleeping in the bunk over him, having to listen to his prattling. "I'll go over there." She pointed to the two bunks on the opposite side and put her bag on the bed. Soon Vorik was in and they made their way to the cockpit, strapping themselves in. The trip to the planet was largely uneventful with the exception of rapidly changing wind conditions they had to circumnavigate as they got close to the surface. The landing was smooth and Ashmore started analyzing the environmental conditions as she made contact with Voyager. It was a little difficult with electrical storms they hadn't anticipated. The cloud cover on the planet had only given them limited data, and the probes they sent didn't report all the conditions, but it was doable.

They spent the last part of the day preparing to leave the shuttle the next day to go out on the planet. They plotted out a route with Ashmore eager to see the planet for himself. They ate dinner from the replicator rations and they turned in early. Rae undressed in the cabin, her tank top and shorts underneath her uniform. She'd brought a limited supply of clothes, knowing there wasn't much room on board. She got in bed and lay, looking at the top bunk above her. Vorik came out of the bathroom and walked over, pulling the sheets down on the bed above her. She couldn't help but look at him standing next to her. He was in his boxer shorts, Starfleet issue, nothing else. She had no idea he was so muscular. He had rock hard abs, wasn't over muscular, but not skinny either. She resisted the urge to reach out and touch him. It was hard to tell what was under their uniforms. He mentioned at dinner he frequently rock climbed in the holodeck, looked like it was paying off. He jumped up and got in his cot above her. She glanced over at Ashmore. At least he was quiet. He was asleep pretty quickly. She smirked, like an excited kid who passes out at the end of a trip. She looked above her, thinking how close Vorik was, how she wished she could slip into his cot and lay on top of him. She put her hands over her head and sighed. _Better make this trip count,_ she thought.

The alarm went off in the morning, and she got up, disoriented until she heard Ashmore. "Why don't you go in first."

She nodded sleepily and took her toiletries into the bathroom. She used the toilet, then went into the shower, which was a separate room. She tried to shower as quickly as she could, not wanting to perpetuate the myth about women taking so long. As she stepped out of the steam, damn that hot water felt good, she realized she'd forgotten to bring a change of clothes with her.

"Damn." She was so used to living alone, she hadn't thought about it. She grabbed a towel and wrapped it around her, rubbing her long dark hair dry with a washcloth. She walked out to a surprised Ashmore and Vorik.

"Sorry guys, I forgot my stuff." She took her bag and went back into the shower room. It was cramped, but there was a mirror in there, and she quickly got ready and dressed. She hung her towel on a drying rack and walked out, combing her hair as she came out and put her bag back under her cot. Vorik went in the shower after her.

She stood by her cot and noticed Ashmore staring at her. "What?"

"I never knew how long your hair was. I think I've always seen it put up."

She laughed, "Yeah, I guess so."

He looked at her wistfully, "My wife has long hair like that. Not as curly as yours, though."

"She does?" she continued to comb her hair and dry it with a washcloth.

He looked down, "Yeah. She did, anyway."

She was struck by the sadness that flickered over his face. "Tell me about her." She said.

He sat on the edge of his cot and brightened, telling her about his wife Morgan, how they met, that she was a doctor at a prestigious hospital. They never had kids, he said. They spent their time travelling and planning an early retirement. "Would have been in two years. Sometimes I wish I could just get a message out to her, you know, that I'm okay."

She nodded. For her, there were few people back in the Alpha quadrant who were close to her. Her little brother, who was graduated from the Academy by now, and her godmother, who was ill and elderly by the time she left for the Voyager mission. She forgot sometimes how many of the crew had spouses, children back on earth. For her this was a big adventure, not the one she planned, but she was okay with it. Not all the crew had the same perspective.

"It must be hard for you. Do you have a picture of her?"

He shook his head, "Not with me, but back on Voyager I do. I'll show you when we get back."

"And you can invite me over to try that vegetable taurine." She grinned.

"Definitely."

She went over the replicator to get something to eat and out of the corner of her eye she saw Vorik come out of the shower, a towel wrapped around his waist. She paused, entranced by his muscular body again, now seeing it in the light of the shuttle. He pulled his bag out and walked over to the small closet by the bunks and started to unwrap his towel. She drew in a quick breath, was he actually going to stand there naked? As Ashmore walked by her to get to the showers next she looked around him and saw the towel drop and Vorik stand in his underwear. Slightly disappointed, she turned her attention back to the replicators.

"Do you want me to order you something?" she asked him.

"No, thanks but I'll order something in a minute." He walked up, dressed in his uniform still fastening it.

She waited for the food and felt a slight tugging on her head. She turned to see him holding a strand of damp hair in his hand.

"Fascinating." He said.

She looked down at it in his hand, "Never seen human hair wet before?"

He frowned, "Of course I have. I've just never seen it this long before. The human girls I dated all had short hair."

She was stunned. "You've dated human girls?"

"Don't look so surprised."

"No, I just mean – you've never dated anyone on Voyager before. I just assumed you weren't interested in human women. I mean, Torres is only half human." She started blushing, realizing she was not saying what she wanted to say.

He shrugged, "And no one knows you were engaged to a Vulcan before. You just don't really know somebody until you start actually spending time with them, do you."

"You're right."

He let go of her hair and handed her her meal from the replicator. She took it and sat down at the table while he got his ready. They ate, talking about different Vulcan dishes they liked and quickly cleaned up and started preparing for the mission. She briefed them on what they would be looking for, getting the equipment set up to locate the best specimens. She watched through the docking door porthole and maintained communications from the shuttle as they made their first foray out on the planet. They followed Ashmore's plan, and after a few hours made their way back to the shuttle docking area. As the air came back in the room, the door opened and she went in as they took their helmets off.

"Oh jesus, phew!" she couldn't help but exclaim.

"What?" asked Vorik.

"Wow, that's bad." Said Ashmore.

"Ugh, the sulfur, it stinks. You don't smell it?" Rae asked.

Vorik sniffed, "No, I don't detect anything."

"Well, you're lucky. The samples we got are in the storage bins. You can take a look at them Matheson. Any word from Voyager?" Ashmore asked.

"No, nothing. I sent a mission update, but until I've examined the samples, there's not much more to report."

They nodded and Rae helped them with the clasps on their suits. "How was it out there?" she asked.

"Not bad," Ashmore answered. "It's hot, but these suits protect pretty well. There are some more deposits we want to get to tomorrow, but they are down the canyon a little ways. I'll bring my ropes tomorrow and get it set up."

She nodded and undid his last clasp, turning her attention to Vorik. "You a pretty good spelunker, right?"

"Yes. How did you know that?"

She blushed furiously. She'd been able to crack into the database and poured over his records when she was first on Voyager. "Oh, I heard someone mention it once."

"It's something I used to like to do as a boy. It's a useful skill."

She finished with the clasps and patted him on the arm, "Okay. You guys clear out now so I can get to work."

They made a pretty good haul that first day, but she was disappointed to see that the rocks they'd brought back were low in the most valuable deposits they needed for the gel packs.

"You guys are going to have to get a lot more of these," she showed them, "And I'll extract the minerals I need during the day when you're out collecting."

"You can do that?" Ashmore asked.

She nodded, "I brought that equipment in case I needed it. We can expel the extraneous material out the airlock. That way we're keeping the weight down for re-entry. I'm afraid it might delay our mission a bit."

Vorik nodded, "Shouldn't be a problem. I'll let the Captain know when I give her report later."


	3. Chapter 3

She went back to work, stopping only when Ashmore poked his head in to tell her to come eat. She walked out, rubbing her neck and sat at the table with them. She ate the replicator meal, looking over at Ashmore's plate. She pointed, "What's that?"

"Oh, that's the meat. I didn't give you any. Vorik said you were a vegetarian."

She looked next to her at him and he responded, "I thought you probably were."

"I am."

"Yea, he said you grew up on Vulcan. That's interesting. What was that like?" Ashmore said.

"We moved there when I was 8." She went on to tell them about her experiences, how much she loved the planet and had planned to go back there some day. She was pleased at the interest Vorik took in her history, asking questions, making parallels to his own upbringing.

After the meal she finished up her work and went back to her cot, picking up her datapad and making notes on her work that day. Vorik was in the cockpit, and Ashmore at the table, working on calculations. She put down her datapad and picked out her sketchbook, making a quick drawing of Ashmore, bent over his work. She often did that to pass the time on Voyager.

Vorik came in, looking worried. She sat up quickly, "What's going on?"

"I'm having trouble contacting Voyager. I finally managed it, and got the report out, but the interference is increasing."

She frowned, "I can take a look at it."

He nodded and she followed him up to the cockpit. After analyzing the data she made a few calculations and adjusted the signal. "There, that should be better. Not ideal, but better."

"Thank you," Vorik looked relieved.

"Anything else I can do?"

He hesitated, "No, that's it."

Puzzled, she said, "Well, okay. I think I'm going to turn in."

"I will as well in a few minutes."

The next morning was different with increased cloud cover outside. Ashmore analyzed the environmental data. "It's not good, increased sulfur mixing with the other chemicals. Visibility will be low. We'll have to use thermal vision as well."

"Good idea. Let's suit up and try to get as much as we can. I believe we can get everything we need in the next two days. Then Matheson can make the mineral extractions after that. We will stay as long as we need to finish that, then get back on Voyager." Vorik looked around for their input.

They agreed and as they suited up and as Rae clasped their suits, she looked at the ropes Ashmore had.

"Why don't you tie a rope to the door of the shuttle, just in case. To help you find your way back."

Ashmore made a face, but Vorik agreed. "That is a good idea. You have enough rope, right?"

"Yes, but, I mean, come on. We've got equipment in our suits that can get us back to the shuttle even in zero visibility."

"It would be logical to take extra precautions." Vorik said.

Ashmore acquiesced and Rae locked them in the docking room as they exited the shuttle. She could see the wind whipping in as they opened the door. She went to the cockpit to look at the weather conditions outside. She kept in close contact with them as they worked outside the shuttle, and as before they brought in a big haul of specimens.

"One more trip tomorrow should complete the specimens we require." Vorik said.

"I've got ropes set up around an area that is chock full of what we need to complete the mission." Ashmore said excitedly.

"I've checked the weather, it's lightening up. Tomorrow it should be better." She helped them off with their suits.

"Great." Ashmore walked past her to the shower.

She turned her attention to Vorik with one pesky clasp giving her a hard time. "Hold on," she got one of her tools a pried it open.

"That was helpful, the rope to get back to the shuttle."

She smiled, "Good. I'm glad you took my suggestion. Kept me from worrying too much about you guys."

"You were worried?"

She stopped and looked at him, "Of course. This planet is unknown. I'm having more trouble contacting Voyager as well."

She finished getting the armor off and lightly put her hand on his chest. She quickly pulled it away and picked up his helmet, putting it on the shelf. She reprimanded herself for doing that and hoped he wouldn't have noticed.

"I'm going to get dinner together," Vorik said and walked out of the docking room. She waved at him as he left and started checking the samples they brought back. She frowned, they were much hotter than yesterday, too hot to touch. She put them back in the containers to cool off.

After dinner she went back to work, breaking up and extracting the samples. At the table, Ashmore was drinking coffee and talking to Vorik.

She walked in past them to go to the bathroom. Ashmore got close to Vorik and lowered his voice, "So, what do you think of her?"

Vorik answered, "She is very competent. I am pleased with her work so far."

Ashmore shook his head, "You know, she's pretty good-looking. Nice too."

"I had noticed that as well."

"She'd be a great girlfriend"

"I thought you were married."

"Not for me, idiot. For you."

Vorik shook his head.

"She likes you, you know." Ashmore pressed.

"She has made favorable comments to me about my work."

Ashmore leaned back, "I see the way she looks at you. She can't keep her eyes off you, when you walk around without a shirt on, it's like she's in a trance."

"You are mistaken-"

"No I'm not. She has a crush on you. I noticed it before, on Voyager. I think you should do something about it. You guys are good together. I mean, she likes Vulcans, right? She grew up there after all. She's not with anyone on the ship."

"That's not appropriate-" Vorik started.

"And she hangs on every word you say. You could do worse, you know. She's very attractive, and in shape. Don't you think so?"

Vorik shifted uncomfortably in his seat, "Yes, she is an attractive woman-" he stopped as the door to the bathroom opened and Rae stepped out.

"Want any coffee?" Ashmore asked her.

She turned, "No thanks. I think I'm almost done actually."

He nodded and as she turned the corner back to the docking room, he nudged Vorik. "Think about what I said."

That night Vorik watched as Rae worked in her sketchbook. He thought about what Ashmore said. He sat on the edge of her bed as she looked up at him, wide-eyed.

He pointed at her book, "What are you working on?"

She sat up, putting her hair behind her ear nervously, "Just some drawings. It's a hobby." She flipped through her book and showed him a page, "Here's one I did of the ship."

He looked closely, it was a good rendition of Voyager, very life-like. She pulled it back and flipped through some more pages, "Oh, and here's one of some of the crew in the mess hall." She flipped through some more, "And here's a drawing I did of Kes. It was a study for a larger one I did and gave Neelix as a gift." She smiled.

He held the book and looked over at her, "You have an amazing talent. These drawings are very good." He started to turn the page and she reached out for the book.

"Not all of them are so good." She pulled it back.

"I think you are too critical. You are definitely a woman of many talents."

"Well, thank you."

They heard a loud crackling coming from the cockpit and they jumped up and passed Ashmore, sitting at the table. The sound was coming from the comm link to Voyager. "Let me try to clean it up." She sat at the console, but couldn't clear out the interference. Frustrated, she turned it off. "It's the electrical storms. Hopefully it will clear out tomorrow and we can listen to it."

They made their way back to the cots and got ready for bed. Rae stood by her cot and stretched her calves out. The cramped quarters were getting to her, she was used to being on the go on the ship, and she was barely able to move around. She stretched her neck back and forth.

Ashmore motioned to Vorik as her back was turned to them, pointing at her, then him, then his neck. Vorik looked at him confused. Ashmore made another attempt to communicate, then frustrated, got up and went behind Vorik, massaging his shoulders, then pointed at Rae. Vorik shook his head no, but Ashmore pushed him towards her.

She saw the movement behind her and turned to look at him. "What?" she asked, leaning her outstretched arms on the wall and stretching her leg.

"Are you feeling okay?" Vorik asked.

"Yeah, just tight from being stuck in this tin can. Plus being hunched over those samples all night." She turned back to the wall.

"I understand."

He turned away and Ashmore rolled his eyes saying loudly, "Why don't you give her a massage and help her out?"

Rae turned to look at them, "Huh?"

"I don't think-" Vorik started.

"Yeah you can, she's working hard. Help her out." He gestured towards her.

Rae felt embarrassed watching Vorik's stammering, "No, I'm okay, really." She protested.

To her surprise, he offered, "Ashmore's right. I'll try."

"Um, okay, thanks." she turned around and lifted her hair off her shoulders around her front.

Vorik turned to look at Ashmore, holding his hands up questioningly.

Ashmore rolled his eyes again and made motions with his hands as if he was massaging, then pointed furiously at her.

Vorik turned and lightly put his hands on her shoulders. "Here?"

"Um-hm."

He started moving his fingers, feeling the muscles.

"Oh, yeah. Right there. Feel how it's so tight?" she drew in a deep breath. She made a mental note to thank Ashmore.

Vorik turned to see Ashmore give him a thumbs up. He turned back and continued, kneading a little harder.

"Ooo, yup, that's the spot. Oh, that feels so good."

He continued, then started rubbing harder.

"That's a bit too much-" suddenly she fell to the floor.

Vorik looked in horror as she lay in a heap at his feet. "Is it supposed to do that?" he asked.

Ashmore had leapt up and was leaning over her, "What happened? What did you do?"

"I don't know, I did what you told me. She seemed to be enjoying it." He knelt down next to her and Ashmore checked her out.

"She's breathing, it's like she just went unconscious."

"I think I might have accidentally given her a Vulcan nerve pinch."

Ashmore looked up at him, "Oh, shit. What does that mean?"

"She should wake up in a few minutes without any lasting ill effects. Help me get her on the bed."

They picked up by her hands and feet and lay her down on her bed. Vorik patted her hand and arm alternatingly as Ashmore got some water. Vorik looked at him, "What are you going to do with water?"

"I don't know, we just do that. It helps somehow."

Vorik turned back to her as she stirred. Her eyes flickered and opened and she looked over at them.

"What the hell is going on?"

"I'm sorry, it appears that I got too close to your pressure point and accidentally performed a Vulcan nerve pinch on you."

"Are you serious? I passed out?"

They nodded. She laughed uproariously as they looked at each other quizzically. "That is so crazy." She sat up.

He knelt in front of her, "Please, go slowly, you may still be a little dizzy."

She nodded and put her hands on his shoulders, laughing again, "I think that's the last time you give a massage, Vorik."

"Agreed."

She smiled and stood up with him, her hands still on his shoulders for support. She took a deep breath and let go. "I'm okay. Hey, don't worry, it was an accident, and I'm fine. Actually," she moved her neck back and forth, "I think you fixed it. It feels much better."

Vorik let out a sigh of relief, "I am pleased you're okay, that was concerning."

Ashmore shoved the glass of water towards her. She took a long drink and handed it back. "I'm fine guys, really. No harm done. I'm going to get ready to turn in, it's late and we've got a lot of work tomorrow."

She headed for the bathroom and Vorik looked at Ashmore accusingly, "That was a terrible idea."

"I didn't know you were going to take her out. You know humans aren't as strong as Vulcans."

"I've never given a massage before."

"She seemed to like it, though," he patted him on the back, "At least you know she likes you."

Vorik looked at him, "That proved nothing. I should not have listened to you. Let's just focus on the mission, and you should stop playing matchmaker," he whispered harshly.

In the bathroom, Rae leaned against the cold metal wall trying to get a grip. She did still feel a little dizzy, but also from the feel of his hands on her. She knew he only did it because Ashmore egged him on, but she liked the feel of his warm hands nonetheless. She looked at her reflection and realized it had been years, years since a man had touched her. She was determined to try and make something happen with Vorik. He was talking to her, giving her compliments, there was something there. Something, anyway. She was so gone on him, she felt like she couldn't go back. She smiled.

Coming back into the room, she saw them look up at her with trepidation. "I'm okay, really. I appreciate your concern."

"You sure you're okay?" Ashmore asked.

"Yes."

"Good. I'm going to bed," Vorik said.

"Me as well," Ashmore went to his cot.

"See you guys in the morning." She got in her cot and went to sleep, thinking about events over the past few days. The mission was going well, they were working together as a team. The close quarters weren't an issue. Ashmore treated her like a little sister, teasing her a little, even teasing Vorik sometimes. She felt things on Voyager would not be the same when she got back, they were showing her how important it was to connect with people again. She had such an insular life on the ship, being third wheel to Kes and Neelix. They readily included her, she had a strong friendship with them, but it was safe and where was safe getting her? She turned over and thought how she was going to be a more active participant in her life, be more assertive.


	4. Chapter 4

In the morning they went about their routine, and as predicted, the weather let up. Rae ate with Vorik, asking him questions about his life on Vulcan, his family.

"I hope you don't mind me saying, but you're not like the Vulcans I'm used to. You're much more – sensitive, more emotionally in- tuned." She held her breath, not sure how he would take it. "I mean that as a compliment, by the way."

He put his hands together on the table, "That's because I'm only part Vulcan. I'm part human."

She was dumbstruck, "Really?"

He nodded. "My mother is human. My father is ¾ Vulcan. That is why I am a bit different. On the ship, at work I am more professional. I'm quiet, not very talkative, like you. Once I get to know someone, I open up. I just haven't done that lately."

She realized she had underestimated him and wished she had tried harder before. "I hope when the mission is over, we can continue our friendship."

"Certainly."

She took a chance and reached across the table and squeezed his hand as she got up, "I'm going to check the messages. I'll be back."

She couldn't straighten out the static on the message from Voyager or get a message out. She slammed her hand on the console. "The weather's cleared up, what's the issue!" She stayed for a while more, and Ashmore poked his head into the cockpit.

"We're getting ready to go out."

"Okay. I'm coming." She left the console in frustration and went to the docking room where they were dressed and working on the clasps.

She got Ashmore finished, then worked on Vorik. "Be careful out there." She looked at him pointedly.

"I will."

She closed and locked the door behind them, and was glad to see the bright redness of the sky and the wind had died down. She was determined to work on the comm issue, and went back to the cockpit. She'd been making a little progress, making out a bit of the message, they were acknowledging they had difficulty contacting them, and saying something about the weather, but she couldn't quite catch it. Suddenly she felt a shaking and held on to the edge of the console and seat to steady herself.

"What the fuck?" it continued for a few seconds, and she ran and got on the comm to the away team, "Are you guys okay? Did you feel that?"

Vorik's voice crackled over the comm, "Yes, it seems like there was some ground shaking, not too serious."

"How close are you guys to being done?" she asked.

"There's still a large pocket over here I need to get, then we'll head back," Ashmore said.

"Make it quick, I'm going to investigate." She went back to the console and checked the data, but there was nothing there except for a slight increase in heat outside. She walked back to the cabin and a sudden severe shaking threw her to the ground. It went on for nearly a minute, and she felt like the shuttle was being torn apart, but all she could do was stay flat on the ground and wait it out. It finally stopped and she ran back to the comm.

"Vorik! Ashmore! Are you okay?"

"No," Vorik's voice was strident, "Ashmore's fallen into the canyon. I can't see him."

"Oh shit. Is he tied to the ropes?"

"Yes, I'm going to investigate."

"Vorik, be careful. Do you need me out there to help?"

"No, stay where you are, the shuttle looks undamaged. I'll stay in contact."

She felt helpless, waiting by the comm for word. Finally in a few minutes she was relieved to hear Vorik again.

"He's dead."

"What?"

"Ashmore. He's dead. I can see him dangling by the rope in a crevasse. His faceplate is broken open, there aren't any vital signs. He suffocated on the planet's atmosphere."

She was stunned.

"Rae?"

"Yea, I'm here."

"I'm making my way back."

"Okay."

She sat down and tried to process what he told her. She couldn't believe it – she'd just talked to Ashmore. He'd just teased her about hogging the bathroom that morning. She put her face in her hands, sitting still until she heard the airlock. She ran over and watched through the porthole as Vorik came in and the outside door closed, oxygenating the room. Tears streamed down her face as seeing only Vorik there finally made it real. The door opened and she ran in and grabbed onto Vorik's envirosuit as he took his helmet off.

"I'm sorry." He said matter-of-factly.

She started taking his clasps off as silent tears continued to fall from her face as she frantically wiped them off. She got his armor off and moved the bag of samples he'd brought back. They both sat on the bench and looked at the floor.

"We had no information on seismic activity. We should have known."

She leaned back against the wall, "There was an increase in heat outside, the rock samples yesterday were hotter, the outside temp was hotter, I should have seen something was going on."

He shook his head, "That could have been attributed to the decrease in cloud cover. There must have been further tests we could have run." He stood up and put his suit away.

She looked up at him as he looked down at the floor, unmoving. She cleared her throat, "Is there no way to at least, recover his body?" her voice broke up on the last word.

"No, it's too dangerous. I tried to pull the rope, but it caught on a rock and nearly broke." He turned and went back in the cabin.

She put her hands over her face and kept Ashmore's image in her mind. He was so looking forward to seeing his wife again. His love for her was palpable. She started to cry again, and wiped her face, going to the bathroom. She splashed water and dried her face off with a towel. There was a mission to complete, there was no purpose to these emotions. She took a deep breath and went out looking for Vorik. He was in the cockpit, trying to establish connections with Voyager.

"You cleaned up the message some, you can understand it better."

She nodded. "Something about the weather."

"Yes, sounds like a warning. I don't like it. We need to hunker down and wait for extraction. I'm sending a report." He stopped and kept very still. He took a deep breath, "I'm sending a report about what happened. I'll let you know what I hear back."

She nodded and left the room. She stood in the middle of the cabin, not knowing what to do. She robotically went to the docking room, taking the samples and opening them out to cool. She put Vorik's helmet away and stood at the door. "He's out there." She was torn up knowing they would have to leave him on that godforsaken planet, hanging from a rope. She felt a presence and turned see Vorik. She took a deep breath. "I'll be okay. It's so, so senseless."

"I should have kept him from going to such a dangerous area. He was confident in his climbing, but I should have stopped him."

"He would have been fine without the quake."

"Perhaps."

"Is the shuttle okay here?"

"I believe so. If we start trying to fly around we might end up at a worse area. Until we can analyze the seismic activity it would not be logical." He paused, thinking back, "The ground where he was was already cracked. When the quake happened, it opened up larger and the rope tie broke off."

"I'm just grateful you're okay. I feel like a shit for saying that, but if you guys had both been killed, I just don't know."

"But it didn't happen. We need to go to the cockpit and keep investigating."

She followed him and they spent the next hour using all the resources they had on the shuttle attempting to contact Voyager and see if they could predict any more seismic activity. They could do neither, and finally went to the replicator to get something to eat. They ate in silence. She thought over how she'd changed her opinion about Ashmore over the last few days, seeing his eager talkativeness for what it really was - his joy at having the new challenge of the away mission. She grew to enjoy his company, and would miss it. To lose a crew member was never easy, but on Voyager, everyone was infinitely invaluable with such a limited crew. She looked up at Vorik. As mission lead, he was sure to take personal responsibility. It was such a mess.

"Do we have the right amount of minerals now?" she asked.

"No. We need more. I'll go out tomorrow and get the rest of it."

"What? No way, it's too dangerous." She raised her voice.

He slammed his fist on the table, "I'm in charge of this mission and I'm going to finish it."

She opened her mouth to say more, but decided not to. She knew he must feel like a failure, no matter how much Ashmore's death was an accident.

She stood up and went to the cockpit. She sat in the chair and tried to cry, but was numb. She woke up to Vorik calling her name.

"Matheson – come on. Go to bed."

She nodded and got up out of the chair. She lay down on her cot and looked over at the empty cot Ashmore used to be in. All his belongings were in a neat pile on his bed. Vorik must have done that when she was in the cockpit. She closed her eyes, painful from crying and had a dreamless night.


	5. Chapter 5

In the morning, she woke up without the alarm. She squinted at the bright light in the room and sat up, looking at the cot with Ashmore's belongings on it across her. She sighed and stood up. Vorik was already up and out of the room. She went to the bathroom and when she came out Vorik was sitting at the table. She sat down across from him, looking at him.

Finally he spoke, "I got the message from Voyager. There's a massive storm covering half the planet coming our way. It will be over us for a week or possibly two. We should be safe here in the shuttle, but we won't be able to leave the planet to go back to Voyager until it passes. They did say there shouldn't be any more seismic activity in this area, they were able to detect that with the ship's sensors."

"Okay. Do we have enough rations to hold out for that long?"

"Yes, but we must conserve the energy of the ship, keeping the life support systems going as long as possible."

"Understood."

"I am going out this morning. It's my last chance to get the remaining minerals we need."

She nodded, "I wish you wouldn't, but I understand. Please be as safe as possible. I'm relying on you."

"I apologize for my outburst yesterday."

She looked at him, his calm demeanor back. "I accept your apology."

He stood up and walked to the docking room.

"You're going now?"

"Yes. That storm is closing in."

She scrambled to get up and follow him. She helped him get the suit on and watched him through the porthole as he opened the outside door. He was right, the wind was up, the sky was dark and visibility was low. She tried to call out to him for him to use the rope, but to her relief he was already pulling it out with him.

She checked the comm and Vorik told her he had left some rock samples where he had been the day before. She waited and checked in with him again. There was no answer. She frantically yelled his name over the comm and there was no reply. She ran to the docking room and put on an enviro suit, frantically closing all the clasps and putting the helmet on. She opened the door and was nearly knocked down by the wind. She saw the yellow rope tied to the handle outside the shuttle and grabbed it, walking holding on for her life, literally. She walked about 15 feet and saw Vorik on the ground. She fell down and grabbed him, pulling him up. He opened his eyes, but she could see the crack in his face plate, and pushed him to get up. He did, with her help, and still holding onto the rope she walked with him, propped up on her shoulders. After what seemed like an eternity, they saw the opening to the shuttle, and she dropped him on the bench, and closed the shuttle door. She pulled off her helmet and gloves and frantically took his helmet off, patting his face. "Vorik, Vorik, wake up, wake up!" she was desperate. She increased the oxygen in the docking room and took a medical kit out, holding it over him, reading his vital signs. She had no idea how much of the toxic gases he had inhaled and what affect it would have on him. She had trouble reading the medical equipment with little experience with it. Damn, they should have brought someone along who knew more. She suddenly realized Ashmore had.

She threw down the scanner and started taking off Vorik's armor. He started stirring and she got all the armor off and put it down on the ground. She kept trying to rouse him, and he opened his eyes. Relief washed over her as she took his face in her hands and called his name. He struggled to focus on her face. She spoke to him in Vulcan, begging him to talk to her. He opened his eyes fully and leaned over and vomited. She patted his back and went inside the cabin to get some towels. She stood over him as he continued to vomit and took her enviro suit off. She leaned over and gently wiped the sweat off his face with the towel.

Asking if he could walk, he nodded and stood up with her support as she walked him back to her cot. He lay down, and she got him a wet washcloth to hold over his face. She went back to the docking bay to clean up. Using towels and cleaner from the bathroom she got rid of the vomit as best she could. She put their enviro suits away and in the dust by the door blown in from the storm while the shuttle door was open, she saw a bag with rock samples in it. She looked inside, it seemed like the remaining amount they needed to complete their mission. "But at what cost," she lamented. She put it on the bench and went back to check on Vorik. He was breathing better, and his color looked more normal.

She asked him in Vulcan if he was alright, and he answered her in his native language as well that he was better. She got some water and brought it to him. He took a drink and lay back down. She sat at the table to keep an eye on him. He slept for the better part of an hour, then woke up and sat up in bed. She jumped up and knelt down by his side, "Be careful."

He told her he felt sick, and stood up, staggering to the bathroom. She could hear him retching from outside the closed door. After a while he ran he water in the sink and came out, supporting himself in the doorway. "I am better now. What happened?"

She walked over to him and gave him a hug, crying. "I almost lost you too, that's what happened."

Stunned by her reaction, he put an arm awkwardly around her, trying to calm her down. "I am fine."

She pulled back, "I'm sorry," she wiped her tears. She knew how Vulcans hated overt displays of emotion.

"You have been through a lot." He sat down at the table and she sat next to him.

"Do you remember anything that happened outside?"

"A gust of wind knocked me over. Some of the gases were getting in my suit."

"Your faceplate was cracked. If you hadn't been holding onto that rope, I wouldn't have been able to find you."

"You saved my life. Thank you."

She leaned against him. "I just can't believe how wrong this mission has gone."

"The mission was a failure."

She turned to look at him, "No it wasn't, you carried back all the samples, we have everything we need. You accomplished it."

"I should have listened to you and stayed inside."

"You know, I think we need to stop looking back and trying to criticize our decisions. We did the best at the time with the information we had. We just need to focus now on surviving until we can get back to Voyager."

He leaned over, and she put her hand on his back, "You okay?"

"Queasy."

"I tried to use the medical scanner, but I'm sorry, I don't know how to use it."

"The poison is working its way out of my system. You did a good job helping me, thank you." He looked over at her.

He rested on his cot as she went to the cockpit and checked communications. There was none. The storm was here and she could feel the shaking of the shuttle. It wasn't like a storm on Earth, there was more wind, toxic gases and electrical discharges. The shuttle protected them, they just had to hold out.

After making some changes to the shuttle's systems, she went back to the cabin. Vorik was sitting and eating, much to her surprise. "I have to thank you for cleaning up my vomit. That must have been a terrible job."

She sat down, "You'd be surprised what you can do when you need to." She pointed to his plate, "Glad to see you're feeling better enough to eat."

"Would you like some?" he asked her.

"Yes, actually."

He ate another bite, then gave her his plate to finish off. She grabbed the fork out of his hand holding it up, "Did you brush your teeth?"

Startled, he answered, "Yes."

Satisfied, she used his fork to finish off the plate of food. He couldn't help but smile.

He looked around him, "Does the light look dimmer to you?"

"Yes, I made some changes to the environmental systems to conserve our limited energy stores. I changed the temperatures, too. It's going to be a bit hotter during the day, and pretty cold at night."

"Good idea." He stood up, "I'm going to take a shower."

She cleaned up the plate and changed the sheets on her cot, in case any of his vomit got on it. She sat on her cot and took out her sketchbook. She turned to her last drawing, the one of Ashmore. She felt tears well up and thought about how hard it would be now without him. She laughed thinking about how focused she'd been on getting Vorik to fall in love with her. It seemed so silly and trivial with the events of the past two days. She put the sketchbook down on her cot and lay back on her pillow. She fell asleep for a few hours, then woke up with start, screaming.

Vorik was instantly at her side, "What is wrong?"

She looked around wild-eyed. "Oh, sorry, sorry. I have night terrors. I was hoping I wouldn't do that while we were on the mission. I should have warned you."

"But you are okay?" he reached out for her.

"Yes, yes. It's freezing in here, though. I need to get some more blankets." She got up and rummaged through the closets and took the extra blankets off the beds and handed him some and took some on her cot. She started to put on her clothes as well, but Vorik stopped her.

"You'll actually do better in just your usual sleepwear. You'll build up more body heat under the blankets if your skin is more exposed."

She nodded and went to the bathroom to change, grabbing some towels as well. She ran back to her cot and jumped in, putting the towels over her. An hour or so later she woke up with Vorik next to her cot again.

"What – was I screaming again?" she asked.

"No, your shivering was shaking the bed." He stood with his blankets in his hand.

"I can't take those from you." She protested.

"You're not. Move over." She did as he asked and he got in bed with her under her sheets, arranging his blankets on top over both of them.

She was shivering and he turned and lay up close to her, "We have to combine our body heat."

She nodded and felt his heat against her back, his arms placed around her. She grabbed his hand and held his arm close to her chest. His heat calmed her and warmed her up. Vulcans had a hotter core temperature than humans, and soon they were both warm under the sheets. It was surreal, having him pressed up against her. It was her fantasy to be like this with him, but it was under the worst circumstances. She relaxed and went to sleep. She woke up in the morning, feeling the gentle shaking of the shuttle from the storm. She turned and put her arm around Vorik's chest as he wrapped his arm around her back. She looked up at him, he was still asleep, gently snoring. She put her head back on his chest and scooted up a little. It had been out of necessity, but she was reveling in the feeling of being in his arms. The cabin was still cold, it would warm up with the heat of the day. She put her leg over his, which woke him up. She pretended to be asleep, but it didn't work. He stirred and moved her off him as he got out of bed.

"Well, at least I get to sleep with him." She thought ruefully and turned over and stared at the bottom of his bunk above her.


	6. Chapter 6

That day was spent finishing up the sample extraction and cataloging everything. They stopped attempting to contact Voyager as all communications were just reflected back down to them. Vorik watched the weather and tracked it. As they expected, a slow moving storm encompassed their entire area. Vorik put Ashmore's belongings in his bag and stored it. Knowing they would be there another week or two, they didn't want to keep looking at it. It was hot during the day, she stripped down to her tank top and underwear. She figured he was already sleeping in the same bed as her, there wasn't much to be seen. It was still more than a bathing suit. He was more used to heat, and had gym shorts with him and a t shirt. She wished she'd thought about bringing her gym shorts. She'd been so meticulous about packing light, she now regretted it.

Vorik watched her that day, contemplating her. She was unlike his previous human girlfriends, or any other human female he'd known. She was emotional, as they all were, but she was able to rein it in, an admirable quality. She was quiet, as well, didn't mind the silences. She didn't take issue with his stoicism. It must be the influence of living on Vulcan. The fact that she was once engaged to a Vulcan was very unusual, and spoke to her appreciation of their culture. In a way, she reminded him of his mother. She was able to bring spontaneity and emotion into their lives that didn't offend Vulcan sensibilities.

That evening she was completely finished with her work, thanks to Vorik's help. She pulled out her sketchbook again and made a quick drawing of Vorik doing push-ups on the floor. She absentmindedly flipped back through the many drawings she had. Most of them were of Vorik. Him at work, in the dining hall, even one from the Luau. Close-up studies of his face. She smiled thinking about how this had been her way of having him in her life. She wished she'd had the courage to be friendly with him before, even if he just thought of her as a friend. He turned around and started doing sit-ups.

"You want me to hold your ankles for you?" she asked.

"Sure."

She put her book on the table and knelt on the ground, holding his ankles down as he started doing sit-ups.

"How many do you do?"

"200."

"Wow, I guess that's how you got those great abs."

He huffed between efficient reps. "I work-out in the holodeck a lot."

She nodded. He continued and as he finished his reps, he lay back down on the floor and she leaned over his knees to look at him, "Great job."

"You should try it. I think you would find it beneficial."

She shook her head, "Not in this heat."

He propped himself up on his elbows looking at her, "What do you do to keep in shape?"

"I like dance workouts. Some ballet, some exercise dance. I like martial arts too."

He sat up and nodded as she held her arms down on the floor in front of her knees and he realized he could see her chest as her tank top had puckered out. She continued to talk about her workout routine, as he was unable to avert his gaze. She sat back suddenly and he snapped back to her conversation.

"Not able to workout much here. I do a lot of stretches, though. I have trouble with flexibility."

"Hm." He replied.

"You okay?" she cocked her head to look at him.

"Yes. I'm going to take a shower."

She shrugged and put her legs out and started stretching her hamstrings on the floor. He got clean clothes and turned back around as she lifted her arm over her head and leant over. He could see completely down her shirt. She didn't have on a bra, the milky roundness of her breasts were intoxicating. He took a deep breath and quickly turned and went into the shower.

She continued her stretches and when he came out of the shower, she was waiting to go in after him. They were trying to conserve water by being fast. They also had to hand-wash their clothes in the sink. He walked out and as she passed him, she said jokingly, "Maybe we should shower together to save water."

He stopped and she turned, seeing him consider it. "I was just kidding."

"It would be logical." He looked up at her.

She felt a little shiver down her spine. "Yeah, right," and went into the shower. Vulcans took everything so literally. There was no way she could shower with him and keep things professional. She didn't want to embarrass herself, imagining him pushing her away, "I was trying to save water, Matheson."

Ugh.

In the cabin Vorik got dressed and thought about how to control his increasing attraction to her. In the close quarters, just the two of them, it was difficult. He kept thinking over what Ashborne told him about her having a crush on him. His attempt to mate with B'lanna had been disastrous, and he'd vowed after that to never date anyone at work again. Over time he and Torres had formed a working relationship, but it was always awkward, and he had been embarrassed by the whole situation. However, if Rae was actually interested, that might be different. He was the head of the mission, however, and he took his position seriously. There were rules, there was protocol.

She came out of the shower, dressed in clean tank top and underwear. "That hot water just makes things worse. I feel like I go in sweaty and come out sweaty."

She rubbed her hair in a towel and he saw her damp top clinging to the breasts he'd seen earlier, the outline of her nipples visible. He rubbed his hands over his face.

"I'm going up to the cockpit to meditate." He walked off.

She nodded and put her towel up in the bathroom.

They sat later to eat dinner and Rae looked over at him, "So," she asked, "Why don't you tell me about your human girlfriends."

He was taken aback. "I dated a few girls when I was at the Academy."

"Any of them serious?"

"Yes, one was. We dated for almost a year. Then she graduated before me and after she was assigned to a ship, she broke up with me. Started dating a guy on her crew." He shrugged. "It was not a surprise."

"Hm. I see."

"Your turn."

"What?"

"Tell me about your broken engagement."

She sighed. "My best friend was my roommate at the Academy. She was someone I went to school with on Vulcan. We were close. Her older brother used to visit us, and he'd bring his friend with him, Tavin. He was at the Academy too. He was a year ahead of us. We spent a lot of time together, started dating. It was perfect, or so I thought. Anyway, he proposed, I accepted, and I visited him on Vulcan, his family. I was accepted by them, for the most part. I'm sure a human daughter-in-law wasn't their ideal, but we grew close, and I even moved in with them."

"You did? Very traditional."

"Yes. I quit the Academy. I was fully committed to the relationship and wanted to give it everything I had. Big mistake. He'd graduated, and had started university on Vulcan. He wanted to go into political office. Everything was planned and set, then a month before the wedding, he took me aside, at his family's house, and told me he couldn't go through with it."

"Why not?"

"Because I was human."

"That is illogical. He knew you were human before he dated you."

She snorted, "I know. I thought the same thing. But, with his new political ambitions he thought a human wife would hold him back. That was something I couldn't change, so the engagement was off. I moved back in with my godmother, and after a few months of feeling sorry for myself, re-applied to Starfleet Academy and finished out my last year and graduated. I lost my best friend over it too. Our relationship was never the same after that."

"Your life is a series of losses of the people you love around you. Is that why you are so isolated on Voyager?"

She was startled by his conclusion, "No, not at all. I just – I'm a very private person. And I wouldn't be with someone, a relationship or a friendship just for companionship if I don't really like them. I don't know, maybe I'm too judgmental. I didn't like Ashborne at first either, then when I got to know him, he was really a good guy."

"I agree."

"So, what did she look like?"

"Who?"

"Your human girlfriend. Unless you don't want to talk about it."

He shook his head, "I can talk about it. She was tall, slim. She was a medical student. She had blue eyes and straight blond hair."

She smirked, "Sounds like a description for the police."

"I don't know what you mean."

"I'm sorry, just wondering if she was pretty or not."

"She was."

"You like blonds?"

"It is not a criteria."

She nodded, remembering he tried to mate with B'lanna.

"And you, do you have criteria?" he asked her.

"Yes."

He waited. "You aren't going to say?"

She took a drink, "It's not a big deal."

He gestured around the cabin, "We've got another week here at least, the only thing we have to do is talk."

She raised an eyebrow, "I suppose that's true. Okay, I like men who are smart, serious, kind, hardworking."

He nodded.

"As far as looks, it's hard to say. Their personality makes them attractive. I've dated Vulcans and humans. I even dated a Chalnoth."

He stopped eating, "You are telling a joke."

"Nope. I met him at the Academy. He was trying to be an ambassador there for his race."

"They are a very violent people. Did you date him for long?"

"Not long, a few times. He was exciting, but we were just too different. We remained friends after that for a while."

"You are a very interesting woman."

"You seem to be the only person to think so."

"That's not true. I've heard multiple male crew members speak of your attractiveness, your personality." He looked at her. He had overheard them talking about her a few times. They also said she was cold and stuck-up. One of them dated her for a while, and was frustrated that she didn't have the same feelings about him that he had for her.

"Really? I have a hard time believing that." She poked at her food and shook her head.

"I would not tell you a joke about that." He didn't think he needed to tell her everything they said, either. He could see how they would misinterpret her personality. His Vulcan nature was the undoing of every relationship he'd had, as well.

"Well, it doesn't really matter." She finished off her plate and stood up to put it in the trash chute. "This thing is getting full, I'm going to shoot it out the airlock." She pulled out the drawer and closed up the container, going to the airlock in the back.

Vorik put his biodegradable plate in the chute and took his cup off the table. Rae's sketchbook was there and he picked it up, flipping through the pages. She was quite an accomplished artist, he didn't understand why she had been so critical of herself. Drawings of Neelix and Kes, some of the planets they'd visited. He saw some drawings of himself as well, to his surprise, scattered in between, then more and more of just him. In his uniform working in Engineering, closeups of his profile, him talking to another engineer. He started flipping through more of the drawings, there were hundreds of them, some small sketches, some full page drawings, but mostly of him. He flipped through to the end and saw one of Ashmore, then the last one of him doing push-ups. He threw it back on the table quickly as Rae came around the corner.

"That's taken care of. If you smell something, a little bit of the atmospheric gasses slipped through. Nothing major." She picked up her datapad and flopped on her cot.

"I'm going to meditate." He stood and looked down at her.

She smiled up at him, "Okay. I could meditate with you. It's been a while, but I've been taught."

He shook his head slowly, "No, thank you for the offer. I prefer to do it alone." He feared a telepathic connection. Walking to the cockpit, the images of her drawings of him went through his mind. She was obsessed with him, it appeared. Why would she choose him as her frequent subject? Because he was Vulcan? That didn't make sense. If she missed home, she could make drawings from the images in the ship's computer of Vulcan or her family. He thought back to what Ashmore said, that she was infatuated with him. It seemed to be true. As he sat down in the pilot's chair, he remembered when she tentatively showed him her drawings, then grabbed the book back when he tried to look further in it. She didn't want him to see it, the comment about her drawings not being good was a ruse.


	7. Chapter 7

An hour later, she went to the cockpit and saw him sitting in the pilot's seat, eyes closed.

"Vorik?" she said softly. She repeated herself.

His eyes opened, "Yes, Matheson, what is it?"

"It's late, and cold. Are you ready to turn in?"

He nodded and stood up in front of her. She tilted her head, "I thought you were calling me Rae now. I mean, we're sleeping together, you can call me by my first name." she cracked a smile.

He looked down at her and all the resolve he'd worked on over the last hour with intense meditations had vanished. "Yes, let's go."

She walked back to her cot and got in bed. "You didn't feel it getting colder?"

He shook his head no and got in beside her as she scooted over. She turned her back to him and snuggled her butt up against him. He knew that wouldn't work, he wouldn't be able to control himself. He turned over, his back to her, and she moved up against him, her arm around his waist, her head up against his neck. She still shivered a little.

"You are so warm." She murmured.

Vorik stared at the wall across him and steadied his breathing. He thought about all he'd learned about her over the last week. He was overcome with emotions, and he didn't like to feel out of control. He was determined not to mess up the mission any more than he already felt he had. He planned to get to know her better when they got back on Voyager. Soon she was asleep and he stayed up for a while, trying to tune out how she felt, the little sounds she made.

Early in the morning he woke up on his back with her half on top of him. She was still asleep. The soft breasts he'd admired the day before were pressed up against him through the thin fabric of her tank top. He tried to move and she pulled up higher on him. He patted her back slightly to try and wake her up. He could feel his massive hard on and wanted to get up before she noticed it. He tried again to pull away and she grabbed his shoulder and grinded her pelvis against him as she stretched.

He let out a loud groan, "Rae, you need to move off."

She grumbled, "Why? It's still cold and we've got nothing we have to go do." She turned her head on his chest to look up at him. She squinted up at him, "What's the matter? Are you sick?" she lifted her head up and put her hand on his chest.

He shook his head, "Yes, no. I – just, you need to get off me."

She made a face in irritation and moved her leg down. She let out a little gasp, "Holy hell."

He looked down, it was too late, she'd felt him.

She looked down and then back up at him, "Wow, um-"

He breathed rapidly and looked straight ahead, "I apologize. If you could move off, I'll get out of bed."

She moved up and looked down over him, "Are you sure?"

He spoke rapidly, "We are on a mission, I am the head of the mission, there are protocol, rules-"

She watched him struggle with his emotions. She knew he had feelings for her. She said softly, "The mission is over, completed. We should have been back on Voyager by now. We're cohabiting here waiting to be rescued."

He continued to try to get control of his breathing. Her hair fell around her shoulders and brushed on his chest. Her dark eyes bored into him.

"It's okay." She leaned down and started snaking her hand down his chest, his abdomen. He grabbed her and pushed her off and jumped out of bed, stumbling towards the bathroom.

Rae watched in mortification as he left the room. She hung her head. "Dammit." He probably couldn't help it, and she had pushed the issue. She sat up on her cot and put her head in her hands. She was horrified that just when it seemed like he was returning her feelings, she angered him, maybe beyond repair. She slammed her hands down on the bed, thinking of what she could to try to smooth things over. She sat on the edge of the bed and waited, but he was still in the bathroom. "Jesus, I hope he doesn't report me when we get back." She was angry at herself for pushing the situation.

She stood up and turned to make the bed. It was still a bit cold and she rubbed her arms to warm them up. The door opened to the bathroom and she felt a jolt of anxiety in her stomach. She turned to Vorik, trying to explain, "Look, I'm very, very sorry about what happened. It was inappropriate of me, and I apologize." She stopped. There wasn't much else she could say. She bit her lip and looked at him finally.

He stood in front of her, "Why did you make so many drawings of me?"

She stood openmouthed. _Shit._ "I, well, there aren't any regulations against that. That sketchbook's mine and if you try to file a complaint, I can file one against you for looking in my private property." She put her hands on her hips. She turned beet red. "You shouldn't have been looking in there anyway." Her emotions caught in her throat and she lost her voice at the end.

He walked up to her and grabbed her face. She gasped and held onto his arms for balance as he looked at her intently. Her fear turned to anger immediately as she couldn't believe he was going to hurt her. She tried frantically to paw at his hands, his arms, but she couldn't budge him.

"I can't-" he said, then leaned down and kissed her. She suddenly realized he wasn't fighting with her, he was fighting with his emotions. He kissed her passionately and held his grip on her face as she stopped trying to push him away and lightly put her hands on his waist. His lips were soft, warm, and she sank into the kiss. He pulled back away and looked down at her. She opened her eyes and pulled herself closer to him as he dropped his hands from her face. He continued to stare at her as he lightly ran his hands down her neck and over her shoulders. She returned his gaze as she reached down and pulled the hem of her top up and over her head, throwing it down beside her. She leaned in towards him and pressed her skin against his chest. He wrapped his arms around her, starting to knead her on her hips, down her backside.

He abruptly pushed her away and reached down to take his underwear off. She readily did the same, and he reached out for her, holding her tightly. She groaned as she felt him cling to her, working his hands up into her hair.

"Vorik, yes," she said. She felt like she couldn't get close enough to him, all the years of longing finally being sated was such a relief, she felt she was falling.

He turned, still holding her and got closer to the bed. She let go and pulled the blankets and sheet off, getting in. He got in beside her and got on top of her, spreading her legs apart. Wide-eyed, she was surprised at how quick and passionate he was. Then she remembered he was part human, and had experiences with human women before as well. She moaned as he continued to kiss her, her neck, her breasts. She rubbed her hands up and down his back, feeling his smooth, warm skin on her fingertips. She reached her hand down and grabbed his cock, it was just as big and hard as she'd felt before. She gripped it hard with her hands as he moaned. She guided his tip down to her, hoping she was wet enough. It had been so many years since she'd had sex, but as soon as he started moving in and out she knew she was dripping wet. She threw her hands up over her head and accidentally hit the metal headboard. "Ow," she shook her hand. He stopped and looked down at her. "No, I hit my hand, keep going." She commanded, and let herself drown in the pleasure he was giving her. Every push went a little deeper, the friction of him inside her was an exquisite sensation. They moved together, and she made a final grunt and push up against him to take him in completely. She grabbed the back of his legs and pulled him against her as he pistoned inside her. She could feel him get bigger and knew it was coming soon. She moved down slightly and gasped as she felt him rubbing her in a different way.

"I'm cumming, I'm cumming," she said is a harsh whisper as she felt her walls clamp down on him and she froze up in place, feeling wave over wave of climactic spasm. She clawed at his hips, his back. She felt him push harder, then climax as well. He leant down and held onto her shoulders tightly as they continued to climax together, breathing heavily. He slowly relaxed his muscles and lay his head on her shoulder, taking her hair in his hand and rubbing it between his fingers.

"Holy hell." She said. Her legs were wrapped around the backs of his, and she let go and let them flop down on the bed.

"Mmm." She said and rubbed her hands on his back as he kissed her shoulder. She looked up at the bottom of his bunk bed above her in disbelief. She'd been hoping for a date when they got back on Voyager, and here she was with his dick inside her while he kissed her shoulder. She squeezed him with her arms and kissed the back of his head. He sat up and looked down at her, "I'm going to take it out, okay?"

She nodded yes and tried to relax as he pulled out. He lay back down beside her and turned her to face him as he enveloped her in his arms. She sighed, in complete and total bliss.


	8. Chapter 8

They lay together for a while, dozing off a little bit. She woke up and pulled his arms around her, putting her butt up against him. This time he stayed there and pulled her closer towards him, kissing the curve of her neck.

"Mm, that was so amazing." She said.

"Yes, you are a fantastic woman, Rae."

She smiled.

He continued, "I had wanted to wait to explore something with you until we got back on Voyager, but it was not an option to wait any longer."

"I'm glad you didn't."

"I was encouraged after looking in your sketchbook."

"Yea, I've had a crush on you for a very long time."

"Why did you never tell me?"

She turned slightly to look over her shoulder at him, "What could I really say? Hey, I think you're hot?"

He smiled.

She turned back around, "Besides, you were interested in Torres for so long, I didn't have a chance. Over the past year I tried a little bit, I guess I was afraid you'd say no. I thought this mission would be a way I could get to know you better, and let you know how I felt." She pulled his hand up in hers and looked at his long fingers.

"Ashmore told me you were interested in me."

"He did?"

"Yes. I didn't believe him at first."

"I never said anything to him, nothing at all." She shook her head.

"He said he could see it in how you acted."

She thought back, "That's why suggested you give me a massage."

"Yes. It didn't turn out so well, however."

She laughed, "I did enjoy your hands on me, though."

"He told me we would be good together, that I should 'go for it'."

She smiled, imagining Ashmore giving Vorik relationship advice. She sobered, thinking about how much she wished he was still alive.

They continued to talk for a while, then eventually got up and took a shower, this time together. Vorik took special interest in shampooing and rinsing out her hair. They still tried to be quick, knowing they were rationing their water stores. She dried herself off, and felt a towel on her back as he dried her off, then put it around her shoulders.

They got dressed and after she checked on communications, she came back to the cabin where he had some replicator rations ready for them to eat.

"No message from Voyager." She said as she sat down.

He nodded, "I thought it would be so."

They ate, and again he was impressed by her. They had just experienced a close physical experience, a complete shift to their relationship, and she was quietly eating across from him. Other girlfriends were usually overly talkative, very physical afterwards, and it was difficult for him to relate to.

She looked up at him, "What?"

"I am pleased, that's all."

She smiled and reached over and squeezed his hand, "So am I."

Over the next days they established a sort of routine, eating, talking, being intimate together. As Ashmore had predicted, they were good together, good for each other. Rae felt a hole in her life had been filled, and Vorik surprised her with his ability to balance his Vulcan traits with his human ones. On Voyager, she'd only seen the professional side of him.

There was no end to the storm in sight, and they tried to find ways to work on the mission.

Vorik found her at the table holding his helmet. "What are you doing?"

"I'm wondering why both of your faceplates cracked. They shouldn't have."

"Yes, that was unexpected."

She looked up at him, "What happened, do you remember? Did you hit a rock or something?"

He sat down across from her, "I did hit the ground, I may have hit a rock, but they weren't that sharp. Even with that, the strength of the material should have held."

She nodded, "I agree. If there is a defect in it, we need to correct it so it doesn't happen again. I'd like to use the equipment to analyze the planet's rock, but we can't go out so, I don't know."

"Is there not some dust material in the docking room from the last time I was out?"

They got up and between the both of them collected the debris from the floor that was blown in. She held up the bag of material, "I think I'll wait until we're back on Voyager to analyze it. The better equipment is on the ship."

"Agreed."

She put his helmet back and came back into the cabin. She reached out and put her hand on his shoulder, "So,I was thinking we could do something a little different."

He raised an eyebrow, "Indeed?"

She smiled seductively and walked him over to the cot, "Go ahead and take off your pants."

He did as she asked, and she guided him to the edge of the cot and he sat down in front of her. She knelt down between his legs, "Lean back."

She could see he was already getting hard and started rubbing his cock between her hands, lightly squeezing her fingers around him. She leaned down and licked up the side of his shaft, eliciting a sharp gasp from him. She looked up at him, "Has anyone ever done this for you?"

He shook his head no, "But I've heard about it."

"Good." She leaned down and took the head of his shaft in her mouth, sucking on it. First lightly, then more intensely. She worked the base with her hand while she held onto his leg with her other hand. He leaned back on the bed, propped on his elbows, watching her. She let her saliva run down to get him nice and slick, and started moving up and down rapidly on him, sucking alternately and moving her tongue around. He was quiet, but tense, and after a few minutes she could tell he was getting close. She took him out of her mouth and said, "Don't stop when you start to cum." And she quickly put him back in her mouth, relishing the heat from his cock, the pleasure she was giving him. She tasted a bit of pre-cum and increased the speed of her movements. She could feel his legs start to quiver. She started to groan, and that was the trigger. He started climaxing and she felt him shoot inside her. She swallowed rapidly and continued to lightly suck on him as he spent himself in her. He was breathing heavily as she sat back and grinned at him.

"So, did you like that?" she asked coyly.

He lay back on the bed, unable to respond. She laughed and stroked his legs, leaning over him. He finally spoke, "Are you okay?"

She smirked, "Of course, why do you ask?"

He propped himself back up on his elbows, "I don't know, the different DNA – "

She shook her head, "It's no problem. Taste is a little different, but I like it. It won't hurt me."

He nodded. "I, I had no idea that could feel so good."

She sat up next to him on the bed and cuddled into his side as he put his arm around her. She couldn't wait until they were back on Voyager and he moved in with her. She had such a big apartment, he was sure to agree. His quarters were part of the regular crew cabins, it was small and cramped. She stroked his leg as she leaned against him. She would ask him about it when they got back on the ship. Vulcans could be a little strange about living arrangements, but he was already pretty non-traditional, so she wasn't too concerned about it.

The next day she was examining some more of the dust samples she'd gone back and collected out of the docking room and the other sample bags.

"I thought you were going to wait until you got back." Vorik asked her.

"Yes, I just wanted to do some preliminary examinations. There are some major differences I see that might be the problem."

He leaned against the wall looking over at her diligently working. "Your work is important to you."

"Very. I learned that the hard way when I almost gave it up to marry Tavin." She pulled back from the microscopic viewer, "I lost my identity, it took me a long time to get that back. The best thing I ever did was go back to Starfleet Academy and finish my degree. Otherwise, I'd never be here, never have met you." She reached out for his hand. "Being on Voyager is the best thing that ever happened to me."

He held it briefly then let go, "You are one of the rare people on Voyager with that opinion."

"I suppose it's also making the best of your situation, doing what's right."

"Agreed."

She adjusted the sample, "You know, I was thinking of asking Torres if I could go full time in Engineering."

"Indeed."

She nodded, "I was hoping to use this mission as a way to show how valuable I could be to the engineering team, convince her to make me a part of the department."

"You don't like working in hydroponics?"

She scrunched up her face, "No. I mean, it's okay. I only started working there because there was no place for me, and no one was working down there. Kes needed help, I offered. Remember, I was a contractor, I had no job on the ship. After I set up the computer system, I was supposed to be dropped off in a few weeks. I think Kes can handle it now. We've got things running smoothly, and I can always help out a bit if she really needs it."

He nodded. It sounded like a great idea.

A few days later he showed her he was not as singular in his experiences as she thought. They were eating when he suddenly asked, "Do you like it a little rough, sometimes?"

She stopped chewing, "Excuse me?"

"Not anything outrageous."

She put her fork down, "What are you talking about?"

"Sex."

"Oh." She raised her eyebrows.

"Not too much, not like I would hurt you or make you pass out again."

"No, I just wasn't expecting you to say that." She swallowed hard, "Um, yea, that sounds, interesting."

"I'll keep that in mind."

She ate the rest of her meal, mind racing as to what he had in mind. He was so much more complicated than she ever gave him credit for.


	9. Chapter 9

She was finishing up her analysis of the rock dust, putting the rest of it away when Vorik walked by.

"I checked the readings, and the environmental systems should hold out for at least another three weeks. Those adjustments you made had a big impact. We would have been close to failing in the next week if you hadn't done that." He leaned against the wall.

"Well, great. Is there anything else we can do to improve it?"

"Not unless we try to leave the shuttle."

She shook her head vigorously, "Absolutely not."

"Actually, as head of the mission, I make that call. However I agree with your assessment."

She rolled her eyes and looked up at him, smiling. "I'm glad to hear that." She leaned back and stretched, "I admit, the heat has been a bit hard to take."

"You should be used to that after living on Vulcan."

"True, however it was drier, that made a difference." She stood up and started putting her equipment away. "I'm finally finished with what I can accomplish here. You want to have dinner?"

"Yes, afterwards."

"Afterwards?" she frowned, then smiled. She'd been with him so much over the past weeks she was starting to be able to read his facial expressions, tone of voice, however slight. She walked up and put her hands around his waist, "Mm, sounds nice." She started lightly kissing him.

"If you take that top off, you won't be as hot." He started pulling on the hem.

It was one of the worst lines she'd ever heard, and she stifled a laugh. Instead, she reached down and pulled her tank top over her head. They made short work of the rest of their clothes and she started pulling him over to their cot. He shook his head no, "Turn around."

Intrigued, she did as he asked and he wrapped his hands around her waist, entwining his hands around her abdomen. He guided her over towards the wall, facing it. "Put your arms up," he asked her. As she did he grabbed her wrists in one hand and held them up against the cold metal wall. He held her hip with his other hand, and pressed himself up against her. She felt a thrill with this change from his usual sweet but predictable approach. He must be getting more comfortable with her, she thought.

She could feel his massive cock on her back, and he rubbed it between her cheeks on her tailbone. She groaned, and he put his foot between her feet, widening her stance. She could feel him lean back and he let go of her hip to hold himself at her wet opening. She wondered why they even bothered getting dressed during the day, as they spent so much of their time being intimate. She let out a little gasp as he entered her slowly, just the tip. She arched her back up to meet him, and tried to lean down from the wall. As she did he pulled out of her and still holding a tight grip on her wrists, swiftly pulled her away from the wall and knocked over a chair to make room at the table. He bent her over the table, and let go of her wrists, moving his hands down on her shoulders to push her flat. She turned her head to the side, moving her fingers to feel the top edge of the table and hold herself down. The cold plastic was of little concern as she held on tightly, spreading her legs apart as he stood behind her. He raked his fingers down the small of her back and around her hips, moving her in place. She reveled in his heat, the forcefulness in his movements. She'd never had a Vulcan be like this with her. It was one more thing about him that she was finding out that made him even more amazing.

He gripped her hip bones and she took in a sharp breath of anticipation as she felt his tip at her core again. She moaned as he slowly moved the tip in and out. She tried to push herself back onto him, but he had her locked in place, and refused to let her move back. She relaxed into the moment as he kept teasing her with just the tip. She moaned louder, calling his name, but he refused to go any faster, go any deeper. She thought she was going to lose her mind from the pleasure, the frustration. She could feel him moving his hands around the curve of her ass, kneading her with his strong fingers. It got harder and harder, yet he kept moving slowly and slightly inside her. She looked up and saw her fingers turning white with effort from gripping onto the edge of the table.

Suddenly she heard a loud smack, and felt a stinging on her right butt cheek. She lurched her head back in surprise and pain and let out a loud gasp.

"Yes," was the only thing she heard Vorik say and she realized that in reaction to the shock of it, she'd clamped her walls tighter around him and he pushed himself into her a little farther. Now she propped herself up on her elbows on the table, quivering in anticipation of what he was going to do next. He was halfway in, and she wanted him so bad, she started edging herself back up on him, but he pushed her back away, pinning her down with one hand. He pistoned into her back and forth, at the pace he set. She started panting. She never imagined he could be like this. He dug into her flesh, grabbing her, owning her. She heard and felt another smack, then another on her butt. She cried out and he pushed himself into her to the hilt and held onto her hip bones, grinding into her. Her clit was rubbing on the cold edge of the table, and she could feel herself getting close. He reached around her, holding her tightly and pulling her off the table and pushing her onto the floor on all fours. She frantically reached out to hold herself up with her hands as he held himself up against and inside her. Her hair fell around her face and she looked at the ridges in the metal floor as he continued to slam into her. She leaned down on her elbows and started to climax and she yelled out as she felt him start to cum inside her. As he held onto her, she was finally able to push up against him and she could feel him spasm with her. They continued until they were both spent, and he finally pulled out of her and sat back on his heels. She turned around and sat half on one side, breathing heavily.

She looked up at him between dark, tangled strands of hair she blew off her face. "Wow, that was – unexpected."

He sat on his heels, hands on his knees, looking down at the floor. He was breathing rhythmically, then looked up at her, struggling to regain his composure. "I –" he took a few more breaths, "I did not hurt you?"

"No, well, not in a bad way. It was amazing, I loved it." She crawled over to him and put her arms around him, hugging him. He relaxed into her embrace and put his hand up into her hair, gripping it. She quenched his human side, and fed his Vulcan side. He breathed in her scent.

Later, after they cleaned off the table, they ate a late dinner. It started getting cold, so they turned in and slept in her cot. It was still dark in the shuttle when a sudden loud noise and Vorik's movement woke her up.

"It's Voyager!" he jumped out of bed and ran to the cockpit. She grabbed a blanket and followed him, hearing him reply.

"Yes, yes. No problem. We'll be ready." He turned off the comm and turned to look at her, standing naked.

"There's a window in the storm, an eye. In one hour we'll be able to fly out and meet the ship."

She nodded, "Okay, we'll have to hurry."

They took a quick shower together, and got dressed fast as they took turns cleaning up the cabin, throwing the sheets and blankets in the laundry chute. She threw her belongings and his into their prospective duffle bags and as he started getting the Delta flyer pre-flight list started. She combed her wet hair quickly up into a bun and looked around the cabin. She put up the table, stored the chairs, and made her way into the cockpit. She strapped herself in and went about assisting Vorik. It was a relief to hear the voice of Torres over the comm after being stranded on the planet for so long. She looked over at him and grinned as she put in the coordinates for meeting Voyager.

They worked in tandem, Rae taking over Ashborne's duties with Vorik's instructions and in 10 minutes they were in the docking bay of Voyager. As the flyer came to a stop and the docking doors closed around them, they unhooked their belts and made their way to the door. She took a deep breath and looked up at him. He smiled and took her hand, giving it a quick squeeze. The doors started to open and he pulled his uniform top down to straighten it. She smoothed her hair and they walked out.

Torres and Chakotay were waiting for them, as well as the doctor and other members of engineering. They shook Chakotay's hand and Torres' as well. It was a blur of crew taking their equipment and samples off the flyer.

"Make sure to keep that," she called out to the crew member holding Vorik's broken helmet.

Torres turned to her, "We need to go to the conference room and debrief you on the mission. In addition, since there was a death on the mission, it's standard for the Captain to also meet with you for a statement on that as well." She looked at Rae's expression. "Don't worry, it's standard procedure. We'll meet with you and Ensign Vorik separately. If you are able to, I can start with you now, then you can talk to the Captain afterwards."

"Yea, we can do that now. I'm ready." She nodded.

Torres looked relieved, "Good. You can bring your bag with you, and we can go over the mission." They turned to leave when they were stopped by the doctor, who was scanning Vorik.

"Excuse me Lieutenant, but I need to check Ensign Matheson before she is allowed into the rest of the ship."

Frustrated, Torres said, "Okay, Doctor, but please make it quick."

The doctor gave Torres a look then started scanning over Rae. "Everything looks fine so far. Hmm. This reading is a little strange, but not entirely abnormal…"

"Is she okay to go on the ship?"

He looked irritated, but nodded at Torres, "Yes. But please come by med bay later for a full work-up."

"I feel fine, Doctor." She said, smiling. It was good to be back home, she thought.

She picked up her duffel bag and followed Torres out, looking back to see Vorik over-seeing the removal of her samples from the flyer.

In the conference room she spent the next hour and a half with Torres, who had already read all her mission reports. They went over the particulars of the mission. The samples they had gotten, the difficulties on the planet, the issues with the faceplate. Torres was particularly interested in her work on the planet analyzing the damage from the rocks to the faceplate.

"Good work, Matheson. I want you to focus on continuing that analysis and report back to me your findings. We want to avoid that again in the future."

She praised Rae for her adjustments to the environmental systems on the ship to extend their supplies. "Your forethought saved the both of you. It must have been pretty difficult to sleep in that cold."

Rae felt herself turn pink. She coughed, "It wasn't too bad. It's great to be back home, though."

They spoke a bit more, then Torres stood up, "I think that pretty much wraps things up. I'll send you off to meet with the Captain. And again, we've already read the report about Ashmore. We know it was an accident, and the decisions you both made after were very smart. It may not seem like it to you, but it was a successful mission. It's good to have you back on board." She walked her to the door.

"Thank you, Lieutenant." She turned and saw Vorik lean off the wall where he'd been waiting outside.

Torres nodded to her, then at Vorik, "Ensign, I'm ready for you." She turned to go in the conference room.

Vorik and Rae caught each other's eye and a quick smile between the both of them. Vorik went in the room and Rae took a deep breath before heading up to the Captain's office.

Inside, Captain Janeway had Rae sit across from her and put her hands on her desk. "First of all, welcome back. We're happy to have you back home." She smiled.

Rae relaxed, "I'm very glad to be back."

"I know Lieutenant Torres went over the particulars of the mission, this is not what I'm here to discuss. We need to talk about what happened with Ensign Ashmore."

Rae nodded and told her the story of the volcanic activity they only saw clues of in hindsight, the ropes he used to hold himself up on the cavern, his enthusiasm for the mission. She got choked up a few times, but composed herself and answered the few questions the Captain asked her. She told her about the violent shaking, how she heard he was lost and their inability to retrieve his body.

"I believe you made the right decision. Don't feel guilty for not risking your lives to bring back dead body. No one blames either of you for that."

Rae nodded. She felt a huge weight off her shoulders, and realized suddenly how much she needed to hear her say that.

"Ensign Vorik made a point to tell me how you also saved his life when he fell outside the shuttle. I'm putting you in for a commendation for that."

"Oh, but I don't think-" Rae protested. The look on the Captain's face stopped her. "Thank you, Captain." She said simply.

The Captain had taken some notes during their meeting, and put her datapad down. "That's all about this matter. If there are any further questions, I'll let you know. We are having a memorial service for Ensign Ashmore tomorrow at 16:00 hours. If you want to say a few words, you're welcome to." She reached across the table and took Rae's hand, "No one blames you. You acted admirably in a difficult situation. The whole team did."

Rae nodded and swallowed hard. Captain Janeway let go of her hand. "Okay, dismissed."

"Thank you, Captain." She stood up and left her office and the bridge. In the elevator she let out a long breath. That had been very emotionally draining. She checked the time, on Voyager it was late evening.

Tapping her communicator, she asked, "Computer, where is Ensign Vorik?"

"Ensign Vorik is in the Engineering Conference room." A clipped female voice answered.

Rae nodded to herself. Vorik's debrief was likely to be longer than hers, since he was head of the mission. She went to the mess hall, suddenly realizing she was hungry. As the doors opened, she hesitated, wondering how the rest of the crew would react to her, would they blame her for Ashmore's death? She knew he'd been a popular crew member. She walked in with trepidation, seeing Neelix across the counter. He dropped his spatula and ran out behind the counter to give her a strong hug.

"It is so good to have you back! How are you doing? Have you talked to Kes yet?"

She smiled, "I'm fine, and I haven't seen Kes yet. It's pretty late, though."

Neelix shook his head, "Nonsense, she'll be thrilled to see you. She knew you had to talk to the brass first. But, where are my manners, you must be so sick of replicator meals! Please, come pick out something to eat. I've developed a few new recipes since you've been gone. My, but you look so thin!"

Rae looked down, her uniform was a bit loose, "Yea, I guess so."

He handed her a plate, "Take your pick. I'm going to get you a slice of cake I made, as well."

She laughed, "Thanks Neelix."

She ate until she was stuffed, enjoying the fresh fruit, foods she could recognize. As she started diving into the cake, Kes came in and gave her a big hug.

"Rae, I missed you so much. How are you doing?" she asked with concern.

"Okay. A lot has happened."

"I can imagine. You heard about the memorial service tomorrow?"

Rae nodded.

"We're having a reception beforehand. Neelix is making some of Ashmore's favorite foods." She looked at Rae. "I know this must be hard for you."

"What are people saying? Do they blame us? I blame myself sometimes."

Kes shook her head vigorously, "No one is saying anything like that. We all know it could have been any one of you, or all of you. We're sad he's gone, but so grateful that you and Vorik made it back safely. Don't have survivor's guilt, Rae. If the roles were reversed, would you want Ashmore to feel that way?"

She shook her head no.

"Then I'm sure he wouldn't want you to feel that way either. It was an accident. We got your report weeks ago, everyone knows."

Rae nodded and smiled at Kes. She really missed her. She wanted to tell her everything else that had happened on the mission, but it was late, and Neelix called her away to help him in the kitchen. Probably getting ready for the wake tomorrow, she thought.

She finished her cake and picked up her bag she'd been dragging around all day and finally made her way to her quarters. Inside she dropped it and sighed, looking around the familiar quarters. It was comforting, but so much had changed with her and Vorik being in a relationship now, she was excited for how new her life would be. She thought back to the night before the mission when he came by to talk to her, and she'd acted like a giddy schoolgirl. She chuckled, in a million years she'd never expected things to go how they did with him. She went in her bedroom to put her dirty clothes in the chute and sat on her bed.

"Computer, where is Ensign Vorik now?"

"Ensign Vorik is in Engineering."

She looked around her room and started making room for Vorik's things. She emptied one closet and several drawers, putting some of her clothes in a storage box under her bed. She made some space in her bathroom as well and looked around self-satisfied. She lay down on her bed and sighed.

She woke up and looked around confused, suddenly realizing she was back on the ship. She checked the time, 01:17 am. She tapped her communicator to talk to Vorik, but there was no answer from him.

"Hm. That's strange." She rubbed her eyes and got up. She left her quarters and made her way down to deck 5 where Vorik's quarters were. He'd roomed with Jonas before he'd been killed. Now Vorik lived alone. She'd never been there before, but she knew his room number. She pushed the button on his door. No answer. She tried a few more times. Frustrated, she tapped her communicator.

"Computer, where is Ensign Vorik?"

"Ensign Vorik is in his quarters."

She frowned, maybe things went way worse in his debrief than she thought. She was about to press his door chime again when the computer voice came over her communicator.

"Ensign Vorik has sent your datapad a message."

"Please read it." She stood in the hallway with her hands on her hips.

"Will see you on shift tomorrow. End message."

She shook her head, He must have really had a hard time with Torres. She walked back to her quarters and got undressed and went to bed, concerned. "I'll just have to talk to him in the morning, I guess." She slept alone and fitfully for the first time in weeks.


	10. Chapter 10

The next morning she had Vorik in her thoughts continuously. She hoped Torres didn't blame him for Ashmore's death. She knew he'd taken personal responsibility as the mission leader. She made her way to Engineering as quickly as possible, determined to make sure he didn't retreat into the survivor's guilt Kes had warned her against.

The doors to Engineering opened and she looked around for him, but couldn't see him. She checked in with Torres for her daily assignment. "I'd like you to continue your work on the faceplate issue until we have a solution. Any resources you need, let me know."

Rae nodded and looked around, she still couldn't see Vorik. He wasn't being suspended or anything, was he? She reluctantly picked up the rock samples she needed and the helmet and went to the engineering lab. She worked diligently for the next few hours, and with her preliminary work on the shuttle, she felt like she was starting to make progress towards a hypothesis. She went back into the main engine room to confer with one of the geology specialists. On the way she finally spotted Vorik by one of the computer panels. She quickly asked her questions, then made her way over to him.

"Hey, hi. I tried to come by and see you last night-" she started.

He turned, "Ensign Matherson. I apologize, I was busy. Perhaps we could discuss this later."

She nodded, they were at work. "Yes, of course. I do want to let you know I'm making progress with my rock analysis. Lieutenant Torres asked me to focus on that for now."

"Excellent. Please let me know what you find." He turned back to the panel.

She realized things are different now they were off the delta flyer, and at work they needed to have a professional relationship. "I will, Ensign." And she walked back to the lab.

Her lunch break came, and she cleaned up her lab area, thinking about her plans to continue tomorrow. After lunch she was still scheduled to be in hydroponics with Kes. In the mess hall she took the heaping plate Neelix made her and sat down at a table. "He's going to get me fat if I'm not careful," she laughed. She started eating and watched the door. Vorik could make his own lunch schedule, she knew. He knew what her schedule was. Soon she was rewarded with him coming in and walking over. She wiped her mouth with a napkin and gave him a broad smile. He handed her her sketchbook.

"This was in my duffel bag by mistake."

"I didn't even know it was missing." She took it and put it down on the table, "Why don't you get a plate? Neelix has some good dishes over there."

He shook his head. "Sorry, I can't."

"Oh, well, okay, I'll see you later then."

He walked away.

She continued to eat, wondering what must be plaguing him so much. She thought about talking to Torres soon about making Engineering her full time job. She would discuss it with Kes that afternoon. She picked up a piece of an apple-type fruit off her plate and stopped mid-chew, stunned. Vorik was eating lunch alone at a table across the mess hall. She finished chewing and swallowed hard, staring at him. He ate quietly with his head down, not appearing to be rushed. She looked down at her plate quickly. She felt a jolt in her stomach. What was going on? She frowned, thinking over the past 24 hours. His refusal to answer her communicator pages, her ping at his door. His short answers to her in Engineering. She looked up at him with a sudden realization. He was avoiding her. She felt a sting over her face like she'd been slapped. She'd attributed it to stress, his meditating over a difficult debrief, being professional while on shift, but they were off shift now. He deliberately wouldn't sit with her or talk to her. It was like he was trying to go back to how things were before the mission. She pushed her plate away and grabbed her sketchbook. She walked over to his table. He looked up at her.

"Can I help you?" he asked.

She opened her mouth to respond and a thousand words came to mind. She took a deep breath and said tersely, "No. I suppose not." She stared at him and he quickly looked down at his plate. She tapped her sketchbook on the table a few times, then turned and walked out of the mess hall. She walked briskly to the elevator in a daze, and up to her deck, running to her room. Inside, she threw her sketchbook across the living room and fell to the floor, sobbing.

She slammed her hands on the floor, yelling, "No, no, no!" she couldn't control herself. He used her. He used her, made her believe in him, in them, gave her hope for a future, then dumped her. And did it in such a way that he didn't even have the decency to tell her. "Fucking coward!" she stood up and started pacing around her quarters. She was furious. She'd shared so much of herself with him, given so much to him. Why did he do it? He was that heartless? She couldn't believe she'd been such a fool. She thought briefly about filing a complaint, bringing him up on charges but quickly dismissed the idea, knowing it would make things a thousand times worse. She shook her head and continued to pace. Suddenly her communicator went off.

"Kes to Rae."

She cleared her throat and tapped her communicator, "Yes?"

"I thought you were coming to hydroponics today."

"Oh, I'm not feeling well Kes, I'm sorry, can I skip today?"

"Sure, no problem. I'll still see you at the memorial though, right?"

The memorial. That was today. "Um, yes, I'll be there."

"Okay Rae. Take care."

She sat on her bed, dejected, and put her head in her hands, replaying her interactions with Vorik that day. He'd seemed fine yesterday when they got off the ship, even when she saw him outside of the Engineering conference room, he'd smiled at her. Maybe he just did that because Torres was there. She knew there wouldn't be an issue of them being together. Other people on the ship were together. Maybe she was over thinking it. Maybe he was just stressed and thinking he had to be "on duty" until his whole shift was over. She wiped her face. Maybe that was it. She didn't know. She got up and looked in her living room and pulled her sketchbook out from behind the couch cushion. She flipped through it and looked at her sketches, recent ones she'd made in the last weeks. Him laying on the bed, smiling at her, lots of drawings of him shirtless, sleeping, working. She closed it up and put it on her dresser. She was entirely confused. Perhaps he was having difficulty with the memorial today, his guilt over the mission. She didn't know.

She took a shower and changed into her dress uniform and made her way to the reception before the memorial. She was met by Kes who was concerned over her mental state. Rae put her uncertainty about Vorik aside and focused on Ashmore. She was touched over how many of the crew talked to her and gave her support and understanding. Kes was right, she sensed no accusations, no blame from them. Vorik was there as well, and she saw the same kind treatment from the crew towards him. She stared at the food, unable to eat, until she saw a vegetable taurine, and thought back to when he told her he would make it for her when they got back. She took a slice and forced herself to eat it. It was good, she made a small smile, thinking about how much he would have enjoyed watching her eat it. Soon they sat down and Captain Janeway spoke about Ashmore. Torres spoke too, and his roommate, who was his best friend. It was a touching tribute to him. She stood up and spoke too, not really remembering what she said, just about how glad she was to have known him and how his personality brightened the room. She glanced over at Vorik when she was speaking and he refused to meet her gaze. Did he blame her now? None of this made sense. She sat back down and Vorik did get up and spoke eloquently, and simply about Ashmore, the sacrifice he made so they could get the supplies they needed for the ship.

After the services, Kes stayed by her side, and Rae excused herself to go back to her quarters. She stopped by Vorik before she left, seeing him over to the side, sipping a drink.

She stood in front of him, "That was a good speech you made."

"Thank you."

She sighed, frustrated. She cleared her throat and decided to put herself out there, "So, are you going to come by my quarters tonight? I've made room for your things." She held her breath and bit her lip.

She saw a flicker of emotion over his face that left as quickly as it came. "That's not going to happen."

She felt like she'd been punched in the gut. She wanted to grab her words and take them back, but it was too late, he'd skewered them and stabbed her in the heart. She swallowed hard, "Right." She nodded, her lips tight, "Right." She turned quickly and walked purposefully out of the meeting hall. She kept her arms crossed tightly in front of her, feeling like it was the only thing holding her together. Again, she found herself up in her quarters, sobbing uncontrollably. She wished she'd never, ever gone on that mission. He was cruel and selfish beyond belief, to get her hopes up, to play with her emotions. She still had bruises on her from their rough sex just two days ago. "Ugh!" she pushed a chair down. To think she bought it all, he fooled her. She was disgusted, with him, with herself. She walked in her bedroom and saw the space she'd made for him to move in with her. He never actually said he would do that, now that she thought about it. She took her storage box out and angrily put her clothes and things back in her closet, in her drawers. She didn't want to look at the empty space, her plans.

Later that night she composed a message to Vorik, letting him know how much she cared about him, how much she treasured their relationship and time on the shuttle. She told him she hoped he didn't blame her for Ashmore's death, that she didn't blame him. The tears flowed down her face as she thought about all the past weeks together and how emotionally enriching it had been. She told him there were plenty of couples on Voyager and she knew how to keep it professional at work, and if he didn't want to move in with her yet, she understood. She read over how much she poured out her heart and made herself vulnerable again to him, but figured she couldn't be hurt much more, and not being able to say these things would be more painful than not. Maybe she could start a dialog, and overcome some wrong idea he had. She sent it to his datapad and waited. She got some tea and drank, forcing herself to wait 30 minutes.

"Computer, where is Ensign Vorik?"

"Ensign Vorik is in his quarters."

"Has he received my message on his datapad."

"Yes."

"Has he opened it?"

"Yes."

She never got a reply.

The next morning she dreaded going to work, and went to the lab as quickly as she could. She rarely went out into main engineering, keeping her focus on her work. She went to the mess hall, hoping Vorik would at least wait to eat until she was gone, but she was not so fortunate. Half-way through her meal he came in the mess hall and got a plate, sitting again across the mess hall by himself. She felt herself choking on the food, and pushed her plate away, leaving for her quarters again. She started eating in her quarters after that, what little she did eat. Kes questioned her a few times, Neelix too, about her quietness, her unhappiness. She thought about confiding in Kes, but decided not to. Anything she told Kes, she told Neelix, and you might as well make an announcement over the ship after that. She was embarrassed, and the less people who knew about it, the more she could try to not think about it during the day. The emotional pain was exquisite. To have something, then have it taken away, he couldn't have hurt her more. She still had to see him, work with him. She had to pretend she was okay, she didn't want to give him the satisfaction of seeing her upset, most days she didn't know how she was going to survive, and some days she didn't care.

 _How can you see into my eyes, like open doors  
Leading you down into my core  
Where I've become so numb, without a soul  
My spirit's sleeping somewhere cold  
Until you find it there and lead it back home_

 _Wake me up_

 _Wake me up inside_

 _I can't wake up,  
Wake me up inside, _

_Save me,  
Call my name and save me from the dark, _

_Wake me up  
Bid my blood to run, _

_I can't wake up  
Before I come undone, _

_Save me  
Save me from the nothing I've become_

 _Now that I know what I'm without  
You can't just leave me  
Breathe into me and make me real, bring me to life_

 _Frozen inside without your touch  
Without your love, darling  
Only you are the life among the dead_

 _All this time, I can't believe I couldn't see_

 _Kept in the dark, but you were there in front of me_

 _I've been sleeping a thousand years it seems_

 _I've got to open my eyes to everything_

 _Without a thought, without a voice, without a soul_

 _Don't let me die here  
There must be something wrong, _

_Bring me to life_

 _Wake me up,_

 _wake me up inside_

 _I can't wake up,  
Wake me up inside, _

_Save me,  
Call my name and save me from the dark, _

_Wake me up  
Bid my blood to run, _

_I can't wake up  
Before I come undone, _

_Save me  
Save me from the nothing I've become_

 _Bring me to life_

 _I've been living a lie, there's nothing inside_

 _Evanescence - Bring Me To Life_


	11. Chapter 11

Endless days turned into endless weeks as Rae continued to struggle with her new reality. She vacillated between ruminating over the memories of all the times they spent on the planet, and wishing she'd turned down the offer to go on the mission in the first place. She wished she could go back to having an unrequited crush on him, ignorance had been bliss, she could see in retrospect. She withdrew into herself, much to the concern and dismay of her friends, but it was the only way she knew to cope. They thought the stress of the mission and Ashmore's death was dramatically affecting her, and she let them think it. She kept her previous relationship with Vorik a secret. In a strange way, she felt that gave her some control and power over it.

She had some scheduled time in the holodeck. They rotated time slots through the crew. She was going to refuse it, then thought better of the idea. It might give her some escape. She flipped through some programs, then ended up deciding on one of hers. She started it and walked out and down through the streets of her home town on Vulcan. She walked through the markets, the vendors, and up to the street of her godmother's home. She hesitated. What once had been comforting was now only partially so. She'd thought of bringing Vorik here previously, a way to share her upbringing with him, imagining them walking hand in hand through the streets. She looked up at the door for a few minutes, then went inside. She decided not to let him permeate everything in her life. Her godmother greeted her at the door, as she always did. She'd created this program the first year she was on Voyager, using photos and her own memories inputting into it. She tried to make it as realistic as she could.

She sat at her godmother's table as she poured her some tea.

"Thank you." She sipped it.

"And why don't you tell me how the Academy is going?"

Rae smiled. Forever locked in time. "It's going well. I'm getting good grades."

"That is very good. You are working hard then. Your parents would approve."

She sat and drank some more. Her godmother's presence as she cooked at the stove was comforting. She stopped and sat down across the table from her. "You are troubled."

Rae nodded.

"What is it?"

She put her cup down. Her godmother had always done her best to acknowledge her human, emotional side, and she'd programmed the holocharacter as such. "I was seeing someone when we were on vacation. When we got back to school, he ignored me, acted as if nothing ever happened. It hurts." Her voice caught in her throat at the last word. She took another drink of tea.

Her godmother sighed. "Is it that boy you've liked for so long?"

Rae laughed, remembering she'd talked about Vorik before. "Yes. Him."

"I am sorry."

"Thank you. I don't know what happened. I still don't understand it. I didn't do anything. It's like what happened with Tavin, although, at least with him I knew why."

Her godmother stiffened up, "That situation was inexcusable."

She nodded, "I know."

"This boy, he didn't tell you why he changed his mind?"

She shook her head no. "I still have to see him every day too. It's tough."

"But you are tough. You can focus on your schoolwork, your degree. Don't let any boy distract you from what's really important."

"I suppose I'm starting to get to that point in my life where relationships are more important."

Her godmother scoffed, "You have plenty of time for that."

She shook her head, she really needed to update this program.

"Perhaps something else is going on, something that has nothing to do with you."

Rae shook her head, "I can't imagine what."

"You should ask him."

"He won't talk to me about it. I just – I don't want to get hurt anymore. I need to stop thinking about it."

"That is logical."

The lights flashed in the room, the holodeck signal there was 5 minutes left in her allotted time. Rae stood up, "That is good advice. I need to be more logical."

"That is always good advice." She held Rae's hand. "Good to see you, my daughter."

Rae squeezed her hand, "I miss you."

"Come by more often then."

"I'll try." She left the house and went down the walk, thinking about their conversation. Maybe if she focused harder on moving on in some way, even if it was just a distraction. She was walking by the markets when the program stopped.

"Computer – end program and save." She exited the holodeck.

The next morning in engineering she was surprised when Vorik came up to talk to her.

"I heard you turned down Lieutenant Torres' offer to have you work in Engineering full-time."

"That's true." She kept her eye on her datapad. In the last three weeks he hadn't said more than 1 syllable words to her.

"I thought that's what you were working towards."

She looked up at him, shocked. It was the first time he'd said anything in reference to conversations they'd had during their time together on the planet.

"You should take the position."

She narrowed her eyes and said, "My decisions are none of your business."

He hesitated, then said, "I'm sorry." and walked away. She stood, shaking with anger and regret, wishing she'd said more, it had been an opportunity to – to do what, exactly? She sighed, it didn't matter anymore.

That night she was in the mess hall, talking to Neelix and sipping on a drink. He was happy she was finally getting out of her quarters and making an effort to be around the crew. She was out of uniform, and let her hair fall down around her shoulders. He tried to offer her food, but she refused it. He sighed, it was getting harder to ignore the dark circles under her eyes, her collarbones jutting out, the hollowness of her cheeks. He and Kes had to stop talking to her about her depression, it was starting to push her away.

"Your favorite cake," he presented her with a plate.

"No thanks, maybe later."

Disappointed, he put it back in cold storage. "Nice dress," he pointed. "I haven't seen that one before."

She looked down, "I know, I'm trying something different tonight. Thought it would be a good idea."

"It's an excellent idea." He leaned over the counter, "Good to see you out."

She nodded and drank the juice mixture he gave her. She tasted a powdery substance in it, and realized he'd snuck protein powder in it. She smiled, he was trying to take care of her, she appreciated it. She sighed and looked around the room, the general crew were there, off duty. She scanned some more, really analyzing who was there. She saw Crewman Zach Larson. He worked in security, night crew. He sat at a table and ate alone. She studied him. She thought he was with another one of the female crew the first year they were on board, but they'd broken up or something. She didn't think he was with anyone. He was quiet, a good worker. She needed a change, a distraction, maybe even just a friend. She picked up her drink and walked over to his table.

"Hi, um, would you mind if I sit with you?"

He looked up at her, shocked, "Oh, sure, yes."

She sat down across from him. He was good looking, in a blonde sort of way. "What are you drinking?" she pointed at his glass.

"Just water. I don't like to drink when I'm getting ready to go on duty."

She nodded. She took a drink from her juice. She looked across at him, "So, what do you like to do?"

"Me? I like to work out in the gym."

"Oh," maybe this was a mistake.

"And I like to paint."

"Really?" finally something interesting. "Like what?"

He seemed to relax, "Landscapes, portraits, things like that."

"That's interesting. I like to draw. Pictures of the ship, the crew."

"I'd like to see that sometime. Not too many artists aboard."

She smiled and nodded. Well, this was getting somewhere, anyway.

"Sorry to hear about Ashmore. That must have been tough."

She stiffened up and looked down at the table, "Yes."

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up, it's just – I wanted to say something to you at the memorial, but I didn't know what."

She gave him a weak smile, "I understand."

He looked at her quizzically, "Can I ask you something?"

She nodded.

"Why are you here talking to me? I mean, not that I mind, but it's a little weird after we've been on board for 5 years."

She sighed, at least she could respect his bluntness, "I'm trying to talk to more of the crew, I've been pretty much a recluse and I'm trying to change that. I can leave, though, if you don't want-"

He stopped her, "No, it's okay. I understand."

They talked a little while longer, about art, Voyager. Mustering up some courage, she asked him, "You know, maybe you'd like to have dinner some time or something like that."

"Oh," he looked uncomfortable, "Oh, I – I'm married, I mean, I have a wife back on Earth. A kid, too. I know that here in the Delta quadrant things are different, but I think we'll be back there some day, you know?"

She looked at him wondering if he was trying to let her down easy, or if he was that delusional thinking they would be able to get back there in their lifetimes, when it was scientifically impossible, even at full warp speed with no stops. She brushed him off, "Look, at this point, I'm just looking for a friend. No pressure, no expectations. We can talk art, try out recipes, whatever. Just a break in the day-to-day, you know?"

He sat back, relieved, "Sure. That sounds good. Sorry, I just thought I should be honest with you."

"Honesty. That's refreshing, and I appreciate that. So, Zach. Want to come over and see my sketches and have some vegetarian dinner tomorrow night? And I mean just that, nothing more."

He smiled, "Yea. That would be great. What time?"

"How about 1900? That should be before your shift, right?"

He nodded. "I'll see you then."

She clinked her glass to his then got up from his table and walked off, finishing off her juice. She felt triumphant. She'd gone way outside her comfort zone. She had been hoping for something more than just friendship as at least a possibility, but something was better than nothing, and she had to admire his loyalty to his wife. Maybe she wasn't his type, either. That was okay. She wasn't most people's type.


	12. Chapter 12

She kept quiet in engineering the next morning and having finished up her research on the faceplate and turning it over to the materials team, was now working in the main engine room, which put her in Vorik's path much more often, but with the exception of his questioning her yesterday, he pretty much didn't talk to her. She stared at him from across the room, feeling her anger grow, "And to think I sucked his dick." She muttered to herself. She glared at him, and he turned suddenly and caught her gaze. _Dammit_ , she quickly turned around. She hated giving him any inkling that he was in her thoughts.

Later that afternoon in hydroponics, she told Kes about asking Ensign Larson over for dinner that night.

"Wow, that's great. He seems really nice. Very quiet. What made you decide to do that?"

She shrugged, "I thought it would be a good idea to try for a relationship. I'm lonely." She cleared her throat as the truth in those words were palpable.

"I think it's a good idea. So you like him?"

"We'll find out. He's pretty good looking, and he's a good worker. I think it would be nice to see someone not in my department." She quickly added, "You know, like that guy I dated when I was first on the ship."

Kes nodded.

"Anyway, he said he is married, and committed to his wife back on Earth, so we'll see what happens. It could start out as a friendship, then maybe develop into something more. I mean, that's what he says now, but after we get to know each other, that could change, right?"

"Oh, definitely."

That night she had Zach over, and it turned out to be an enjoyable time. She showed him some of her larger sketches and he complimented and encouraged her to continue to work. He enjoyed her meal, and offered to cook for her the next night. He was a total gentleman, and she felt very comfortable with him. _I should have done this sooner,_ she thought.

The next day in the mess hall Zach stopped by to talk her, much to her delight as Vorik was eating in the mess hall as well. She realized that she was motivated by making him jealous. He didn't know they weren't doing something romantic. Let him think that as much as possible. As Zach walked away, she called after him, "See you tonight." He gave her a little wave, saying, "Don't be late."

She smiled broadly and snuck a glance at Vorik. If he noticed, he gave no indication, but she knew he wouldn't react outwardly. She smiled in satisfaction, imagining him being eaten up inside by her showing interest in someone else, and so soon. She picked at her plate, hardly eating a thing, and left the mess hall, picturing him watching her with regret as she left.

That night she met Crewman Larson in his quarters. His roommate was on duty, so they had the room to themselves. He had brought out some of his paintings, and she was impressed, they were better than she thought they would be. "You're great. Had you ever thought of doing this for a living?"

"Of course, but art doesn't pay the bills. Security work does. It's a great hobby to have, though."

She picked up a picture frame on the table, "Is this your family?" a pretty blonde and small boy smiled back from the picture.

"Yes, that's them."

She put it back down, "Very nice family. I'm sure you miss them."

He nodded. Clearing his throat, he motioned to the table, "I used the replicator and made a new recipe for you, I don't do much vegetarian, so we'll see how it went."

It turned out to be pretty good, and after they ate, she looked back at his stack of paintings. As he cleared the table, she saw a pile of drawings under some books on a shelf. "These look interesting." She pulled them out and started going through them. Character studies, hands, legs, in pencil and chalk. "These are good," she held them up.

He looked stricken and ran over to her, trying to take them from her hands. They fell to the ground and as she bent over to help him pick them up some photos were visible in the stack. She picked them up as well and noticed it was him and one of the guys on the crew. "Oh, isn't that Ensign Henard?"

"Yes," he reached out for them and as she handed them to him, she saw a photo of them holding up a glass and him kissing him on the cheek.

"Oh, uh, sorry, I didn't mean to-" she stammered.

He sighed and sat down on the floor, slowly gathering the drawings and the photos. "It's not something we like to advertise to the crew. I hope you won't tell anybody."

"No, I won't. I don't see what the big secret is though, if you guys like each other, it's not a big deal."

He snapped, "It is for me. I'm married, I have a son. William and I we just, I don't know. We get together sometimes, that's all. It's private."

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to pry. I just saw the drawings and wanted to look at them." She stood up with him and handed him the rest of them.

"I know. It's okay. Just – keep it to yourself, please?" He looked desperate.

"I will. Don't worry. Does anyone else know?"

He shook his head, "No one, not even my own roommate. It's not who I really am, you know?"

She nodded, "Sure, sure. No problem. I get it." She felt sorry for him, struggling with his identity. No one on the ship would blink an eye at him being with Ensign Henard, but he would have to be okay with it first.

She changed the subject, "So, what would you think about giving me some painting lessons? I've never used that medium before. I'm free tomorrow night?"

"Sorry, I have plans tomorrow night, but maybe next week?"

"Sure. You let me know." She thanked him for dinner and left shortly after that. As she walked to the elevator, she said to herself, "Leave it to me to go after the closeted gay guy on the ship." She couldn't believe he would torture himself like that in this day and age.

Back in her quarters she made herself some tea to settle her stomach. Whatever he cooked hadn't gone well with her, and it made her sick. "Yuck. So much for going outside my comfort zone," she thought.

She woke up with start in the middle of the night calling out Vorik's name. She sat up and looked around her dark bedroom, and let out a loud sigh. "Dammit." She grabbed her pillow and hugged it, crying into it. She was tired of being miserable, and she didn't know what to do about it. Her venture into dating someone else had been disastrous, and although it would be nice to have a friend, that's not what she was really looking for. She wiped hot tears and thought about how much she missed Vorik. He had been so interesting, so funny, gentle with her, and passionate. The tears flowed harder, and she rocked back and forth on her bed clutching her pillow. What had she done? Had that been his plan all along to make her a fling for the away mission? How much was true and how much was a lie?

The next day she didn't see him in Engineering. "Where's Ensign Vorik?" she asked Ensign Boylan.

"He's in the cargo bay, getting the shuttle ready for an away mission." He answered.

"Really? I didn't know anything about an away mission."

He nodded, "Yeah, him and Ensign Kim. They're going to investigate a small moon on the planet we're approaching. There's been some strange activity around it, and they think there might be a distress signal there. They're going in a week or so to investigate."

"Huh. Okay." She tried to act nonchalant. Of course it brought back memories of their away mission, and she also felt left out, inexplicably. She realized now there were consequences to her turning down Torres' full-time job offer. So he was getting another away mission. There must not have been too many negative consequences from their mission to Baylor.

"How long will they be gone?"

"About 5 days or so. Not like the mission you were on."

"Yes, exactly." She tried to keep her distaste out of her voice. She turned back to her work.

She ate lunch later in her quarters, not wanting to see him in the mess hall. As she ate a small amount of flavorless food, she wondered when it would ever get better. She didn't feel like she was getting over it, just in some moments she felt numb to it. She didn't know which was worse. She used her bathroom and looked at her reflection as she washed her hands. She looked terrible, and she knew it. In a weird way, she wanted to. She wanted to wear her suffering outside her. It was the one subversive way she could let him know he'd destroyed her. She dried her hands and went down to her afternoon shift in hydroponics.

They worked harvesting some of the vegetable strains they'd recently been able to cultivate. Kes put the lid on the storage bin and looked pointedly at Rae.

"What?" she asked, irritated.

"Just wondering how things went with Crewman Larson last night. You went to his quarters for dinner, right?"

Rae wiped the stray hairs off her forehead with the back of her hand, "Yeah, I did. It was okay. He showed me his paintings, he's talented. His dinner tasted okay, but it made me sick later, so I'm not real impressed with his culinary skills."

Kes laughed, "So no sparks between you guys?"

Rae rolled her eyes, "Definitely not. But, he did offer to show me some painting tips. It's something I'd like to learn. I've always stayed with pencil drawings."

"Well, you never know, something could develop between you guys."

Rae was tempted to tell her the truth, but would never betray a confidence like that. "Well, we'll see." She smiled at her. They worked for a while more, then Rae asked her, "What do you know about Ensign Henard?"

"William Henard? Not much. I do know he's dating Megan Delaney."

Rae snapped her head up, "What? You must be mistaken."

Kes shook her head, "No, they live together. I'm sorry if you were interested in him."

"No, no, I just – I was just curious about him. How long has he been dating Megan?"

Kes put down her tool, and looked up at the ceiling, "Um, for over a year now. It's pretty serious, from what I can tell."

Rae raised her eyebrows and silently turned back to her work. That's why it was a big secret. Henard had his pretty girlfriend and his guy on the side too. She knew Megan Delaney would never allow such an arrangement if she knew about it. She'd been pretty jealous and vocal about other relationships she'd been in on the ship. As Rae pruned the stems on the plants, she thought about Zach and how he settled for this relationship. She grunted as she realized they were all trapped on the ship with their limited options. For him it was preferable to make the compromises and at least have some intimacy. Could she really judge?

Finishing her row, she took the clippings and put them in the composter as Kes approached. "Want to have dinner with me and Neelix?"

"Thanks, but I think I'll pass," Rae made a face and held her stomach.

"Maybe you should see the doctor."

She shook her head, "It's not that bad."

"You've been sick a lot lately."

"Kes, I know you're concerned about me, and I've been down, but I'm okay, really. I'm doing better."

Kes looked at her pale face, her fragile frame and sighed, "If you say so. Maybe you picked a virus up on that planet that you don't know about."

 _Yeah, love sick,_ she thought. "No, it's just stress, and I'm working on it."

Kes let the subject drop, as she'd been doing a lot lately. Rae was right, at least she was getting out more and coming to work with red puffy eyes less often, although today they did look a bit bloodshot.

A few days later Rae finally caught up to Zach in the hallway. "So how about those painting lessons? You free anytime soon?"

Zach looked around, then gestured to a more secluded part at the end of the hall. "I can't, I'm sorry."

She couldn't believe she was hearing this again. She was starting to feel like the man repeller. "Why not? What's going on?"

"It's William, he's not okay with it."

She furrowed her brows, "Are you serious?"

"Look," he lowered his voice, "I have to be available whenever he's free. I think he's a little jealous, too."

She shook her head, this was unbelievable. "You're willing to adjust your life that much for him, when he's shacking up with one of the Delaney twins? I don't get it."

"Hey, you have no right to judge me, Matheson. You don't know anything about me."

"If you didn't want to spend time with me, you should have just said so. I told you I wasn't trying to make you my boyfriend." She said in a harsh whisper.

"That's not it. I mean it, I just-. William comes number one, that's it. I don't expect you to understand. Bottom line is, you don't have to. You don't have to agree, either, but I do ask you to be discrete."

She huffed, "Of course, of course. I'm sorry. I never meant to complicate your life. I'm always third wheel with Kes and Neelix, you know, and I just wanted to try and find someone else to be friends with and do things I'm interested in with, that's all."

He started to calm down, "I know. I wish it could have worked out. You know, maybe you should try Vorik. You've got a lot of Vulcan stuff in your quarters, and I always thought he sort of liked you."

She almost laughed out loud, but just put her hand to her forehead and said, "I don't think so, but thanks Zach." She walked away, fists clenched at her sides and went to the elevator. Back in her quarters she started laughing hysterically. She flopped down on her couch, trying to process the mess her life had become. She couldn't even make a friend on the ship. What other crazy things were going on with the other crew that she didn't know about? Well, no one knew about her and Vorik, and that was pretty messed up. She got up slowly and went in her shower.


	13. Chapter 13

In Engineering the next morning, she was quiet, deciding she really needed to go back to her insular life. It was safe and boring, but much less painful. She worked on her datapad until she felt a hand on her shoulder. "Did you complete those computations?"

She stared at Crewman Dell, "What?"

He looked at her quizzically, "The computations for the rate of consumption for the gel packs." He pointed behind him, "Torres is asking for them."

She looked down at her datapad, confused, "Oh, right. I forgot. Um, I'll have them for you in the next twenty minutes, if that's okay."

"Sure, I'll let her know." He walked away.

She shook her head, she'd never forgotten assigned work before. What was going on? She took a deep breath and sat down, attempting to do it. After thirty minutes, Torres came by.

"Matheson? Are you almost done?"

"Sorry, Lieutenant, I'm having trouble getting it finished. I just seem to be having difficulty today."

Torres took note of her demeanor, "Hey, don't worry about it. Why don't you take a break and come back to it. I'll have Boylan help you out."

She nodded and got up from the desk. She tried to take a step, but started to lose her balance and grabbed onto the wall to steady herself.

Concerned, Torres grabbed her arm, "You okay?"

"Yes, I'm fine." She stood up and pulled her uniform top down to straighten it. "I didn't get a lot of sleep last night, that's all."

Torres let go of her, "Look, your shift is almost over, why don't you take off early and have a long lunch. I know you still have to go down to hydroponics."

Rae nodded, "Yea, thanks. I appreciate that."

Torres watched her with concern. It wasn't like her to be anything but top-notch. She shook her head, she seemed to be in some sort of free-fall since her away mission. Maybe she'd over-estimated her abilities. She had turned down the full-time position Vorik had recommended her for when they'd come back. She didn't seem to be able to handle pressures.

Rae walked back to her quarters, conflicted between being grateful for Torres' kindness, and chiding herself for letting herself get to the breaking point. She collapsed on her bed and stared at her ceiling. When she got up, she felt a little dizzy. "This is ridiculous." She went to her kitchen and made a sandwich and forced herself to eat it. She felt a little better, and went down to the hydroponic bay.

"You're early."

"Yeah. I had some problems in Engineering and Torres let me leave early."

Kes looked at her, "That sounds bad."

"No, it's no big deal, really. I just lost focus, that's all."

Kes wished they had a psychologist on board. It was tough trying to fill that role for Rae, and also be a friend.

They worked largely in silence for the rest of the day, and once again Kes invited her to dinner, and once again Rae politely refused. She went back to her quarters and got one of her books out, reading until bedtime.

The incident in Engineering scared her, so the next few days Rae made an effort to take better care of health, determined not to let her unhappiness in her personal life send her work reeling out of control. It paid off, she was more focused at work, no more issues forgetting and she felt more energy as well. It was enough to keep the worried looks from Kes and Neelix away, and she took them up on their offer to have dinner together. It had been nearly two months since the away mission on Baylor. She felt like she was at least coming to a level of acceptance.

She arrived to shift and noticed a lot of the crew was absent. She brought her assignment up on her datapad and got to work. Looking around she asked another crewman where everyone was.

"They're in cargo bay sending the shuttle off on the away mission."

"Oh, is that today?" Rae had forgotten about it.

She nodded, "Yup. They should be leaving pretty soon, if they haven't already."

Rae turned back to her datapad and then had a sudden thought. "Wait a minute – did they ever fix the issue with faceplates? I mean, are they going to have to use the envirosuits?"

Crewman Dorado scrunched up her face, "They might have to use the suits, I suppose. I'm not sure, I've only overheard a little bit about the mission."

Rae was insistent, "But the faceplates, did the materials team ever fix it, make a different polymer material?"

Dorado shook her head, "I don't know, you'd have to ask one of them."

Rae panicked and looked around the engine room, she couldn't see anyone from the team to ask. She put her datapad down and told Dorado, "I'll be back in a minute." She rushed out and down to Cargo bay, picking her pace up to a run. She'd never followed up on the issue, and she couldn't get out of her mind the image of Vorik with the cracked glass, gasping for air. She heard voices and rushed into Cargo bay, relieved to see the shuttle was still there. It was crowded with crew putting the remaining supplies on board the small craft. She pulled over one of the crewman asking about the envirosuits, but he shrugged. She spotted Torres and rushed over to her, interrupting her as she talked to Ensign Kim.

"The faceplates, the envirosuits, did they fix them?"

"What?" Torres looked at her in surprise.

Rae repeated herself, the panic in her voice, her eyes wild.

"Yes, yes. They've been replaced with new materials based on your research. It's fine, they should hold." Torres and Kim looked at her, Torres frowning.

"Oh, good, I just," Rae realized she'd make a bit of a spectacle of herself. She cleared her throat. "I was just worried, that's all. Sorry to interrupt you."

Torres nodded, "No problem, Ensign. I can understand your concern."

Rae turned and walked out of cargo bay.

"What was that all about?" Ensign Kim asked.

Torres shook her head, "I'm not sure. I'm starting to wonder if she's suffering from some PTSD." She turned her attention back to Kim.

Vorik watched the scene with interest from the shuttle. He'd heard her voice and poked his head out to see what was going on. He strained to hear her, but was unable to and went back inside, continuing to check the navigational data in the computer.

Harry Kim came in and sat in the cockpit next to him. "We're almost ready to go. Five more minutes."

"What was Ensign Matheson down here for?" Vorik asked, continuing to push buttons on the console.

Kim made a face, "It was weird, she was asking if we'd ever fixed the faceplates for the envirosuits. She was kindof freaking out about it."

Vorik raised his eyebrows, "Indeed?"

Kim nodded, "Yeah. Torres told her they'd done that already, that it would hold. She said she'd just been worried. Torres says she thinks she has PTSD. I suppose from the mission you guys were on." He looked at Vorik.

Vorik nodded slowly, "It was a stressful mission, but Matheson is a strong person. It does her a disservice to make an assumption like that. She was making sure that we would be safe."

Kim shrugged and strapped himself in, focusing on the impending departure.

The successfully left cargo bay and started the trajectory to the planet. "That should do it, we'll be on autopilot for a while. I'll stay up here for the next four hours if that's okay, and we can switch off." Harry said.

"That is acceptable. Let me know if you need anything." Vorik unstrapped himself and got up for the back room of the shuttle. He had little to do but wait, and after the busyness of the preparations that morning it was the first time he'd had to be still and think over Rae's bursting into cargo bay. He liked to think she was concerned about him, worried about him. He sat on the bench in the back and thought back to their away mission.

The debrief after the mission on Baylor with Janeway had been tough, but she was understanding. Torres' debrief couldn't have gone better, she was effuse with praise, how he'd managed the team, kept the mission together, his bravery. His anxiety about her reaction to the problems on the mission was unwarranted. At the end of the long meeting, she'd told him she was training him for a promotion as head of the Engineering department, directly under her. This mission had been a test, of sorts, and he'd passed with flying colors.

"A promotion?" he asked. He didn't think that was possible.

"Yes. It's a position we're making. You'd be a team lead, and second in charge. When I'm off duty or off the ship, you'd be in charge. The engineers would report to you. What do you think?"

"I'm highly flattered." He was shocked.

"Well, you earned it. The crew respect you, and we work well together. I've been considering a few people, but you far surpass any other prospect. It's still in process, we've got to officially have you in command on at least one more away mission, so don't talk about it to anyone until we can make it official. You do have the job, guaranteed. Congratulations. I do have another away mission in the works, I'll fill you in on that later. It's a smaller mission, but no less important and with one of the senior crew."

He struggled to keep his emotions in check. It was the culmination of so many years of work, to be second in command on the Engineering deck, and a position they were making for him, it was a great honor.

They discussed it a bit further, and Vorik left the conference room late, making his way to his quarters. He wondered where Rae was, and as he got in the elevator he had a sudden realization. As second in command in charge of Engineering, he would not be able to have a relationship with her. She would be directly under his command, it was strictly prohibited. He put his hands to his forehead, and slowly walked out of the elevator on his deck. His mind raced as he picked up the pace back to his quarters. Other couples on Voyager were in different departments, that was acceptable. He sat on his bed, thinking over the possibilities. She was in hydroponics part-time, maybe if she moved over there full time? Then he remembered their conversation, where she'd talked about moving to Engineering full-time. He got up and started pacing around his quarters, there had to be a solution, she meant so much to him, he needed her and he knew she needed him. He tried to think of how to solve it. He had to take the promotion, there was no turning it down. Maybe if he discussed it with Torres? He shook his head, they couldn't make exceptions, and he couldn't start a new job asking for one.

Torres had mandated he keep this position a secret, for now. He couldn't discuss it with Rae. He tried to think of a way to somehow let her know without completely disclosing all the details. He thought back to something she'd told him, how she'd quit school for her previous fiancé, and lost herself, always resented him for it. He shook his head, he knew she would offer to make a sacrifice for him, and he couldn't let her do that. Her job, her career was too important to her. He could never live with her sidelining herself so they could be together. He had no choice.


	14. Chapter 14

He got up and got some water, walking into the cockpit. "Everything going okay?"

"Yes. I'm good for now. You have everything so prepared, I've got nothing to do up here," Harry grinned at him.

Vorik nodded and went back and lay down on the bench. He'd felt physically sick the first week from the physical separation from Rae, and his emotions over his decision. He hoped she somehow could figure it out, or know that he'd only done it for the right reasons. He was duty bound not to talk to her about it, and had been relieved when she didn't continually confront him. He hoped somehow to find a solution, maybe after he'd been in the position for a while, he could then approach Torres or Janeway about making an exception. At least when this mission was over, she would make the official announcement and then Rae would hopefully know why he'd done what he'd done.

He'd spent many, many nights meditating to try to cope with the pain – his and the pain he'd inflicted on her. Seeing her physically deteriorate had weakened his resolve, but he knew he couldn't satisfy their emotional needs now to sacrifice their future. Even if they never got together again, it was admirable to do what was ultimately right for both of them.

Eventually Ensign Kim came back and Vorik went up front to relieve his shift in the cockpit. He checked their navigational equipment and Kim's report back to Voyager. He'd thrown himself into the work for this mission, and they were infinitely prepared. Everything was quiet, and going to plan. His shift was over before he knew it, and he went back to pull the cot down and get some sleep. They should be orbiting the planet overnight, and then they would be close enough to make preliminary readings.

He pulled out some food rations and sat on his cot and ate. He cleaned up and changed out of his uniform and lay on his cot, taking his datapad out. He checked on the mission status briefly, then pulled up his personal files. He opened one and started flipping through the pictures, page after page of Rae's drawings he'd copied from her sketchbook before he'd given it back to her. It was one way for him to keep a hold onto that time, one where he'd felt fully complete for the first time in his life. After a while he shut it off and lay back down on the bed looking at the ceiling.

Rae was relieved, for once, to have Vorik off the ship. It was the first time she had a break from wondering if every time she walked down the hallway, went to the mess hall or got in an elevator she'd run into him. She was used to seeing him in Engineering, and had to interact with him, but that was the more controlled environment of being on-shift. Whenever she saw him outside of work, it was worse, the uncertainty of if he would look her way, say something to her. He never did, and somehow that was just as bad. It was an intolerable situation, but for a week anyway, she could breathe a sigh of relief.

She went to the mess hall that night and relaxed, having a shake made for her by Neelix. She glanced around the room, seeing Zach sitting alone at a table again, just like before. She gave a grunt of frustration, she would definitely not be going to talk to him again. She made casual conversation with Neelix, then Kes who joined her later. They left to go back to their quarters, and Rae stayed. She pulled up her datapad, working on her newest project, a new program for the holodeck. She was researching beaches on Vulcan, putting in different pictures and adding code. She started yawning, and got up off the stool, making her way back to her quarters. As she stood by the elevator, she felt so calm and relieved, she wished Vorik could be off the ship permanently.

Getting inside, she realized with some dismay that she really didn't feel that way. If only he could be on the ship in a way that she never had to see him or talk to him. "Yeah, if I could work that out, that would be great."

The next morning she had a splitting headache, but made it to Engineering anyway. She didn't want to call off, she could sense Torres' lack of confidence in her because of her recent behavior, and wanted to project a more professional attitude. Besides, she was curious about how the shuttle mission was going. They were discussing it as she arrived, and doing her work, she kept an ear out for the particulars of the mission. They were in orbit over the planet and making plans for more in-depth investigation of the signals coming from it. She went to the mess hall for lunch, and ate in peace knowing Vorik wasn't sitting across the room. It showed her how much he didn't care anymore, he had no qualms about eating in the same dining room as her like nothing ever happened.

On the shuttle, Vorik was working with Ensign Kim on sending out another probe to the moon. The recordings they were receiving had a rhythmic nature to them that indicated some type of intelligence. The first probe had been lost and they had 8 more on board. It would be a while more before they had readings, they sent this one down at a slower rate to increase its chances of survival.

Harry went to get something to eat while Vorik stayed in the cockpit, monitoring the descent of the probe. He wondered what Rae was doing back on Voyager. He'd taken comfort in eating in the mess hall the times she ate lunch. She didn't always eat in there, but sometimes she did, and he saw it as a way he could keep an eye on her, spend some time in her presence. It wasn't much, not much at all, but he it helped him. He hoped it helped her, too.

Back on Voyager, Rae finished her lunch and made her way down to hydroponics. Her headache was lightening up a bit. She worked on harvesting some of the fruit that had ripened, thinking about what they should try to plant next.

"You know, I was wondering what would happen if we tried to cross these two varieties."

Kes came over to look, "I don't know."

Rae turned the berries in her hand over, "This one has more flesh on the fruit, and this one has a shorter growing period. It might make for a better harvest."

Kes nodded, "That's true. We could try it out." She looked up at Rae, who was holding her hand to her head.

"Are you feeling alright? You look a little pale."

"Yeah, I'm okay. I just have a headache," she started, and suddenly fell to the floor.

"Rae, Rae!" Kes dropped down beside her, shaking her shoulders. She couldn't get a response. She tapped her communicator, "Kes to medbay, emergency!"

The doctor's voice answered her, "Yes?"

"Ensign Matheson has collapsed in hydroponics, she needs medical help. She's unconscious."

The doctor knew there was no medical equipment there, and that Kes was unable to carry her. "I'll have you both transported to medbay."

Kes kept patting Rae's hand, feeling her forehead that felt clammy, sweaty. She was soon looking up at the doctor from the floor of medbay. "Doctor, she said she had a headache, and as we were talking, she just passed out."

The doctor put her on an examination table and starting taking readings. "Anything else you can tell me?"

Kes shook her head, "No, I know she's lost weight, she says she's stressed. She's been depressed since the mission. I kept telling her to come see you, but she wouldn't. I think she picked something up on that planet. She's been having stomach problems, not eating."

The doctor frowned, "I'm not picking up viral activity." He shook his head in irritation. "I asked her to come for a full work-up, this could all have been avoided. Vital signs are normal, except an elevated temperature." He got a different scanner from his cabinet. "No head injuries, seems like her cerebral spinal fluid is increased."

Kes clutched the side of the examination table, sick with worry. She admonished herself for not pushing the issue with Rae further.

"Oh, that's the problem," the doctor said.

"What? What is it?" Kes asked.

"I'm sorry, I can't discuss that with you."

"Is she going to be okay?"

"Yes, but she'll require surgery." He put the equipment down and looked at Kes. "Who is her boyfriend?"

"Boyfriend?"

"Yes, I need to know his name."

"Uh," Kes was at a loss. "She doesn't have a boyfriend. Oh wait – she was dating Ensign Larson for a while, but it didn't work out."

The doctor nodded and tapped his communicator, "Ensign Larson, come to medbay immediately." He looked at Kes, "Thank you, I'll take this from here."

"But I don't understand –"

"Sorry Kes, doctor-patient confidentiality. Thank you for your help. If I need any more information, I'll message you." He saw the concern she had for her friend. He put his hand on her shoulder, "Don't worry, she'll be fine."

Kes nodded and left medbay.

He gave Rae a sedative and soon Ensign Larson walked in medbay. "You called Doctor?" he saw Rae on the table, "Oh my god, what's going on?"

The doctor crossed his arms, "I was hoping you could tell me."

Larson shook his head, "I don't know what you're talking about, is she sick or something?"

"You could say that. She's pregnant."

"She's what!" Larson was shocked.

"You didn't know?"

"God, no. I had no idea. She never said anything."

"You need to help me make a decision about her care."

"What me? Why?"

"You're the father, aren't you?"

"Me!" Larson screeched, "No, no way. We never even dated. We were never physical, not once!"

"I was told you were her boyfriend."

Ensign Larson shook his head vigorously and held his hands out, "Absolutely not. We had dinner twice, as friends, I made that clear from the beginning. You've got the wrong guy doctor. It's absolutely not me."

The doctor eyed him with suspicion.

"Look, if it was me, I would admit it. You would find out eventually through DNA anyway, so why would I lie? I'm really sorry she's sick, but I can't help you."

The doctor frowned and shook his head, "Alright, Ensign. Is there anyone else who you know she's dated or been with?"

Larson started to calm down from his shock, "No, I don't. I'm sorry."

"Thank you, Ensign. Dismissed. And – keep this conversation as strictly confidential, understood?"

Larson looked down at her on the table, "Don't worry, Doctor. I'll keep her secret." He at least had a chance to return the favor.

Frustrated, the doctor knew he had no time to question the entire male crew. She could only wait four hours at the most before he would be forced to operate. "Doctor to Captain Janeway, I need you in medbay. It's an emergency."


	15. Chapter 15

Soon the Captain was looking down at Rae across the bed from the Doctor. "What's wrong with her doctor?"

"She's going septic, and her spleen is going to rupture. She's stable temporarily, but I need to operate to remove the spleen."

"You need my approval? You have it doctor."

He shook his head, "It's more complicated than that. She's pregnant."

Janeway's eyes got wide and she said incredulously, "Pregnant?" She looked down at her. "Well, that's a surprise."

"Yes, for me as well. I don't even know if she knew it. The issue is that there is a risk to the fetus, and I prefer for the father to have a say in the surgery, or at least be informed."

Janeway nodded, "Of course. What did he say?"

"That's the problem, no one knows who he is. She's in too delicate a condition for me to perform a DNA test on the fetus. I asked Kes, she had only one name, and he adamantly denies being the father. I believe him, so I don't know who the father is. Under these circumstances, I defer to your judgement in this matter, to make a decision for her."

The Captain put her hand to her forehead, "Well, can you tell me the extent of the surgery and the risk to both baby and mother?"

The doctor started scanning her again, "It looks like she's about 2 to 2 ½ months along. It's hard to tell actually," he switched a few settings on the scanner, "Got it." He looked at the Captain triumphantly, "The baby is part Vulcan."

Janeway nodded, "Right. That narrows it down to two." She tapped her communicator, "Tuvok, meet me in my office immediately."

" _Yes Captain_ ," Tuvok's voice came over her comm.

She turned her attention to the Doctor, "I'll let you know what I find out. Keep me posted with any change in her condition. Her health is paramount."

"Yes Captain, I will."

Captain Janeway walked briskly to the elevator, her jaw set, and strode purposefully to her office where Tuvok was waiting. She sat behind her desk and gestured to the chair in front of it where Tuvok sat down.

"I'll be blunt. Ensign Rae Matheson is pregnant."

Tuvok raised an eyebrow, but remained silent.

"She is in medbay, in need of surgery. We are trying to contact the father. All we know is the baby is part Vulcan-"

Tuvok interrupted her, "I can assure you Captain, I am not the father. I have never had anything but a professional relationship with Ensign Matheson."

Janeway unfolded her hands, "I suspected as much, however I had to question you. It seems that leaves only one option." She stood up.

"It would be logical since she spent nearly a month with Ensign Vorik stuck on the planet during their away mission."

Janeway nodded, "Yes, I had forgotten that. Thank you Tuvok, dismissed. I am counting on your discretion in this matter."

"Of course, Captain." He left her office.

Janeway tapped her communicator, "Captain to Torres."

" _Yes, Captain_?"

"I'm ordering the return of the shuttle immediately. As soon as it is within transporter range, have Ensign Vorik transported to Voyager. Ensign Kim can remain on the shuttle and continue the mission without him."

" _Captain? I don't understand –"_

"There's no time to explain, Torres. That's an order. Janeway out." She walked out of her office on the bridge and told Chakotay of the plan, without going into particulars. She took the elevator down to medbay.

"It's Ensign Vorik, Doctor. I've ordered the return of the shuttle and his immediate transport back on board ship." She looked at Rae, sleeping. "How is she holding up?"

"Alright for now. How long will it take for Vorik to get here?"

"I estimate 30 minutes. How did this all happen, Doctor?"

"She passed out in hydroponics. Fortunately, Kes was there with her, and called me. I had her transported here. I had no information on a pregnancy until I performed her examination."

Janeway nodded, "Well, a new baby on Voyager. It was inevitable, I suppose." She smiled, then looked down at a pale Rae, becoming serious. "I'll be back down here when he gets on board." She walked purposefully to the transporter room, waiting.

Back on the shuttle, Ensign Kim and Vorik looked at each other, unbelieving, "You want us to what?" Harry asked.

Torres' voice answered on the comm, " _Turn the shuttle back to Voyager immediately, quickly. As soon as you are in transporter range, we need Ensign Vorik to be ready to transport back on board. Ensign Kim, you are to remain on the shuttle and return back to the moon to continue the mission._ "

Harry scrunched up his face, confused, "Plotting a path back, Lieutenant, why the sudden change? Is there a problem?"

" _Unknown. Captain's orders. She said there was no time to explain_."

"Aye-aye, ma'am." Harry turned to look at Vorik, "Do you know what that's all about?"

He shook his head, "No, I do not."

"Well, it must be pretty important to interrupt the mission. They want you back on the ship, not me."

Vorik tried to think what it could be, but came up empty. He would have to wait until he got back on board. He assisted Harry with the rest of the information he would need to continue the mission without him. As they approached transporter range, he stood in the cabin part of the shuttle holding his hastily packed bag.

Soon he was back on Voyager, looking across the room at Captain Janeway, standing by the transporter crewman, arms folded.

He stepped off the pad, "Captain? Is there something wrong with the mission?"

"No. We need to go to medbay now. Follow me." She rushed out of the room. Vorik picked up the pace to match hers.

"I don't understand-"

She interrupted him, "We'll discuss it when we get to medbay, Ensign."

They stood in the elevator in silence, the Captain tense. Vorik tried to think about what was going on, his anxiety increasing. The doors were barely open when the Captain flew out the door with Vorik behind her. They rounded the corner to medbay and he followed her in. The doctor was bent over someone.

"He's here, Doctor." She stepped to the side, and Vorik realized it was Rae on the table. He feared the worst. He dropped his bag and raced over to her side.

"What's happening? Did she try to take her life?" he grabbed her hand.

Janeway gave the doctor a knowing look. "Looks like we have the right guy."

The doctor nodded, then turned his attention to Vorik, "No, she did not attempt suicide."

Vorik looked up at him, "What is it then? Is she going to be okay?"

"I believe so. I have to operate, and I need your permission."

"My permission? Why me?" he continued to hold her hand.

Janeway crossed her arms in front of her, "Because you're the father of her baby."

"What?" Vorik looked between them, then down at Rae, "Baby?"

"So, you didn't know?" Janeway asked.

He shook his head no, trying to process what they were saying. _Baby_. That's why she'd been so sick, so pale. He swallowed hard, his mind reeling.

"She's about 2 ½ months along. I honestly don't know if she knew herself. She hasn't been in medbay to see me about it. She is having a reaction to the different blood types. It's made her septic and damaged her spleen."

Vorik looked at the doctor, stricken, "Is she going to be alright?"

He nodded, "I'm going to have to remove the damaged spleen. There is a chance she'll lose the baby. However, if I don't operate, she will become very ill and may not survive. There is an alternative treatment, but it's risky."

Vorik nodded, "What is it?"

"I can combine your blood with some of her filtered blood and re-introduce that into her system. It's experimental."

"And the risks?"

"She could have an allergic reaction, and her organs could fail," he frowned, "If I could have intervened say, a month ago, it would have a higher chance of being successful. This far along with damage to the spleen, there's a higher chance of complications." He looked up at Vorik. "It's your decision."

Vorik looked down at her, "I understand. She is most important, do the operation." His voice started to crack on the last word, and he looked up at the doctor with tears in his eyes.

Janeway softened, seeing the intensity of his emotions. "Vorik, she's in good hands with the Doctor. We need to go."

"Can't I stay with her, please?"

The doctor shook his head no, "I need to have a sterile environment. I'll let you know the moment she regains consciousness. It shouldn't be for at least a few hours."

Vorik nodded and as the Doctor started to prepare his instruments, he leaned over and kissed her cheek, vowing to do whatever it took be there for her. He picked up his bag and left medbay, stopping outside the door the lean against the wall, stunned by the situation. The Captain faced him. "She passed out in hydroponics and was transported here. We only found out about the pregnancy during the Doctor's exam. We caught it in time."

Vorik looked at the Captain and said weakly, "I didn't know. I should have been here for her, should have done more."

She leaned her head to the side, "You can do that now." She patted him on the shoulder, "I'm going back up to the bridge. Good luck, Ensign, and congratulations."

He looked at her puzzled.

She smiled, "You're going to be a father."


	16. Chapter 16

Vorik picked up his bag and made his way back to his quarters. He dropped it on the floor and sat on his chair, still stunned. He thought back over the past months since the away mission. Rae never said anything to him about being pregnant, he agreed with the doctor, he didn't think she knew about it or she would have told him. He thought about what he would do now. He would turn the Engineering lead position down. There was no other logical option at this point. He nodded, confirming his decision to himself. He would notify Lieutenant Torres the next day. At least he would be able to be with her now, have their relationship again.

The doctor worked efficiently and carefully, removing the spleen and stabilizing Rae. There was a tense moment when the spleen nearly ruptured, but fortunately he was able to get it out before that happened. He continually monitored the baby and it was not impacted by the surgery, much to his relief. He gave Rae a specially prepared serum to suppress her antibodies from attacking the fetus. While she slept, he made up several more vials, as she would have to have a shot every month or so to stop a rejection as the baby grew.

Outside medbay, Vorik maintained a vigil, waiting outside the door for word from the Doctor. He had updated him twice, telling him the surgery was going well and had been a success. Kes came to medbay to check on Rae as well, and was surprised to see Vorik waiting outside.

She started to go in medbay, but Vorik stopped her. "It's locked."

She pointed at the door, "Is Ensign Matheson still in there?"

He nodded, "Yes, the doctor is performing surgery."

Her eyes widened, "Oh, I didn't know. Surgery for what?"

"I can't say, I'm sorry."

She looked at him confused, "Are you waiting outside?"

He nodded again, "I'm waiting for word on Rae."

Kes was surprised, "Oh. I didn't know you guys were friends."

Vorik had thought she would have told Kes everything about their relationship, but he realized she had completely kept it to herself. He looked down at the floor, "Yes, we are close."

"Well, please let me know when you hear anything. I'm worried about her."

"As am I."

Kes left and Vorik leaned his head against the wall, looking up at the ceiling.

A while later inside, Rae started to come out of anesthesia. She struggled to open her eyes and tried to sit up, but was stopped by crushing pain. "Oh, goddamn, what-"

The doctor turned away from his computer and was at her side. He ran his scanner over her. "Please, just sit back and relax."

"What's going on? Am I in medbay?"

"Yes." He snapped the scanner lid shut. "You passed out in hydroponics and we transported you here." He brought up his datapad and started typing out a message to Vorik. "You had to have emergency surgery."

"Oh shit. What for? Was it my stomach, it hurts like hell."

"I'm sorry, I can't give you any pain medication. It's too dangerous. I had to remove your spleen, but you should make a full recovery."

"My spleen?" she put her hand to her forehead and rubbed her eyes.

The door to medbay opened and she heard Vorik's voice.

"Doctor, is she okay?"

He turned to Vorik, "Yes, both fine. She just woke up."

She frowned, squinting down the bed at him. "What is he doing here?"

"He was concerned about you."

Vorik started to walk towards her and say something, but she cut him off, "I don't want him here doctor, I want him out!"

Vorik hung his head while the doctor looked at her with surprise. "We had to have his approval for the surgery."

She laughed bitterly, "You've got to be kidding me. Get him out."

The doctor put his datapad down on the counter and got close to her, "Ensign, have you been feeling sick, having dizzy spells?"

She could tell he was getting pissed at her, "Yes. Off and on for a while. I haven't been eating as well as I should, that's all."

"Anything else?"

She didn't want to discuss this in front of Vorik, but the doctor seemed to be on his side. "I've been stressed, that's all. I didn't know I had a problem with my spleen. Do I have mono or something?"

The doctor leaned back and shook his head. "No. You're pregnant."

She looked at him and laughed. She looked between him and Vorik and laughed again, "You're wrong. There's no way. You're crazy."

The doctor crossed his arms in front of him. "You're 2 ½ months along. That's why your blood chemistry made you sick, the intermingling of Vulcan and human DNA. It affects some human females that way. Without treatment, it damaged your spleen and you started to go septic."

She looked up at him, dumbfounded. "There's no way. I took the birth control shot."

"But that was over two years ago. You let it lapse."

She let the news start to sink in. Her mind was whirling, thinking about the past months in a completely different light. Vorik walked over and tried to take her hand. She snatched it back and looked at him accusingly.

"Leave."

The doctor looked at her with frustration, "He is most definitely the father-"

"I know that doctor!"

"-so you two have a lot to talk about."

"Oh, I don't have anything to say to him."

"Please, Rae, let me explain-" Vorik pleaded.

"Sure, now you want to explain. Well, I don't want to hear it."

The doctor intervened, "Perhaps we should let her rest for a while, and you can come back later."

He nodded and turned to go.

"I don't care how much I rest, I have nothing to say to him."

"Look, I don't know what's going on between you two, but you have bigger things to consider now, and you need to find a way to talk about it."

Rae was furious, "Who said I'm going to go through with it anyway?"

The doctor was taken aback. "I uh, did not consider that as a possibility."

Vorik turned, "I implore you to not do anything hasty."

"Go to hell."

"That's enough. Vorik, please leave." He watched as he left, shoulders slumped. The doctor turned back to Rae.

"Please," she held her hand up, "Don't lecture me anymore. I've had about as much as I can take." She started to cry.

The doctor took her hand and took a deep breath. "I'll support you and help you in whatever you decide." He patted her hand, "Now just rest, you've been through a lot today." He turned back to his equipment to check on her vital signs and give her some space. He notified the Captain of her successful surgery, and delicate mental state.

Rae quietly cried as she thought about everything the doctor had told her and the choice facing her. She wanted Vorik to be with her for her, not out of a sense of duty. It pissed her off. She wiped her eyes and went to sleep. She woke up later that night and called out for the doctor, who was quickly at her side again.

"Well, how are you feeling now?"

"Better. Can I have something to eat?"

"Certainly. I'll get you something now." He used the replicator in the medbay and brought her a sandwich and a drink.

She tried to sit up, with the Doctor's help he got her propped up in bed. As she ate, the doctor told her Kes had been asking about her, so she asked him to let her know she could come see her.

"And don't tell her what's going on."

The doctor nodded.

Kes came to see her, relieved she was recovering from surgery. "I blame myself, Rae. I could see you were ill over these last few weeks, I should have pushed you to come see the doctor."

"You tried. I wouldn't have listened no matter what you said. I don't like doctors."

He turned and gave her a look.

She made a face, "No offense."

Kes smiled, "So Vorik was waiting outside medbay for you the whole time you were in here. I didn't know you guys were friends."

Rae stiffened, "We're not."

"Well, he looked pretty distraught about you having surgery. He said you guys were close."

"He said what?"

"He said you guys were close."

She snorted, "What else did he say?"

Kes shrugged, "Not much, just that he was worried about you."

"Hm."

Kes tilted her head to the side, "What's that all about?"

Rae snapped her head up, "Nothing, nothing at all." She brushed the crumbs off her lap. "So, I guess you'll have to work in hydroponics without me for a little while."

"I'm sure I can handle it. You'll be back down there in no time."

They talked some more, then it was getting late, so Kes left for her quarters.

Rae lay back down and the doctor checked her again, then started turning the lights in medbay down.

"I don't think I'll stay here tonight, I'd like to go back to my quarters."

He shook his head vigorously. "No. You won't be able to get around easily, you have to rest. You have to stay here for a few days."

"A few days? Absolutely not. I can't. I need to get back to my quarters." She could see he wasn't going to budge. "I'll recuperate better there."

He frowned, "You could do it if you had someone to help you."

She brightened, "Kes can help me."

He was skeptical, "Kes is doing double duty in hydroponics, and she helps Neelix out in the kitchen. She might be able to check on you, but she can't stay with you 24/7." He paused, "You could ask Vorik."

"No way."

"Well, I guess you'll be rooming with me for a while then. Goodnight." He brought a blanket out and started putting it on her.

She huffed with frustration and turned over, pulling the blanket up over her shoulders. She looked across the room at the other medical beds and thought about the baby growing inside her. It didn't seem possible. She reached down and held her lower abdomen. She couldn't feel anything. Maybe it was too soon.

The next morning she felt much better, but the doctor was adamant about her staying in medbay. Half-way through the day, she gave in and reluctantly agreed to let him contact Vorik about coming in medbay to help her to her quarters.

As she waited, she got dressed in a clean gown.

"You want to see what he looks like?" the doctor asked her.

"What?" she leaned down and put on her socks.

He brought up a picture on screen and pointed out the fetus. She stood transfixed by the image.

"Vulcan pregnancies are 12-13 months, so this one would be longer than typical human pregnancy, probably 10-11 months, if you chose to continue with it."

She nodded. "Wait – did you say it was a he?"

"Yes. It's a boy. DNA testing confirmed it, as well that Vorik is the father. I'm not pressuring you to make a decision right now, however you only have a week or two before you need to make a choice."

She shook her head, "There was never any choice, Doctor. Of course I'm going to have the baby. I was just upset, and in shock. It didn't seem real. Plus I don't like the thought of Vorik being in my life so much."

"I'm sorry for whatever is going wrong between you two. I have to admit, I'm happy you're going through with the pregnancy. Would it be allowable for me to let the Captain know?"

"I guess, she'll be pretty surprised, I think."

"Oh, she already knows. She helped me to track down the father. We didn't know who it was. I apologize, I didn't know you and he were estranged."

She sighed, "What a mess. I wish I'd figured it out sooner."

"It'll be fine, you'll see."

"Yeah, right."

Vorik came in medbay and quietly waiting close to her bedside. The doctor pulled him aside to give him directions and the scanner to take readings the doctor could monitor from medbay.

"Good luck," he said.

"I believe I will need it." Vorik said.

"Unfortunately, true."

He walked over to Rae and tentatively held his hand out for support. She held onto him and walked carefully to the door, "Thanks again doctor."

He smiled back at her, "Just follow my directions and notify me immediately if anything changes."

She nodded and left with Vorik supporting her.

"I'm only doing this because it's the only way the doctor would let me leave medbay."

"I understand." He said. He helped her to the elevator and they made their way up to her floor. He continued to help her as she walked slowly to her room. Entering, she breathed a sigh of relief and asked him to help her to her bedroom. She lay down on her bed and sighed.

"Can I get you something to eat."

She glared at him , "No. You can go now."

He nodded, "I'll be in the living room."

"No, I want you to leave. I'll be fine here alone for a few hours."

"The doctor's instructions were quite clear."

"I'll hook up the scanner."

He acquiesced. "I'll be back in two hours."

As he turned for her door, she called out to him, "So are you off from work for a while or what?"

He stopped, "I asked Lieutenant Torres for a leave of absence. You are what's important now." He briskly opened the door and left.

She made a face and lay back down. She was regretting having to ask him to help her, but she couldn't impose on anyone else. Once she was able to get around on her own, she would kick him out altogether.

She was woken up by a ping at the door and said with irritation, "Enter." She needed to give Vorik the code to her room, she'd forgotten. The door unlocked, and to her surprise, Kes came in.

"I'm coming by to check on you. I hope I didn't interrupt." She walked into her room and sat on the side of the bed.

Rae smiled and reached out for her, "No, just resting."

"So what was the surgery you had to have? Vorik wouldn't tell me."

Rae lay back down and sighed heavily.

"You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, I don't mean to pry."

"No, that's not it, it's a long story." So, she started. She told her about the long-time crush she'd had on Vorik, the events of the mission, how they had started a relationship, and how things had changed when they got back on board. She finally told her she found out in medbay the cause of her medical problems was her pregnancy.

"Oh Rae," she gave her a hug.

"Ow, be careful."

"Oops, sorry. A baby, I can't believe it. So what are you going to do?"

She rested her hand behind her head. "I don't know. I suppose the baby will stay here with me, and Vorik can come by and spend time with him. When he's older, he can stay some time with him in his quarters. We'll figure it out."

"It's a boy?"

"Yes. I forgot – the doctor had told me that this morning."

"So, you mean you and Vorik are going to stay separate?"

"Of course. What he did was unforgivable."

"But Rae, you haven't even talked to him about what happened. Look at how he's arranged his life to be devoted to you now and take care of you."

"Take care of the baby, you mean. I'm just an incubator to him."

"Did he say that?"

"No, I'm not talking to him about it."

"Is that realistic, I mean, you have to get everything out in the open."

"No I don't."

There was another ping at the door. "Enter," Rae called out. Vorik came in. He stood in the doorway of her bedroom.

"Kes, I didn't know you were here."

Kes smiled, "Yes, I'm here checking on her. I'll be going now." She started to get up.

"No-" Rae held onto her hand.

Kes gave her a stern look, "I have to get back to work."

Vorik left the room and they heard him in the kitchen.

Kes leaned down, "You need to give him a chance."

Rae was frustrated, "I can't believe you would say that after how much he hurt me."

"Stop thinking about just yourself, Rae. Is this how you want this to all play out? Bitter resentment, trying to get back at him and keeping your child away from him for the rest of your life? Think about what drew you to him in the first place, and talk to him. Tell him what you feel and see what he has to say."

Rae pressed her lips together, silent.


	17. Chapter 17

Kes left and Vorik brought Rae some dinner, leaving her to retreat back to the living room. After she ate she struggled to get up to go to the bathroom. She tried to stand and cried out in pain. Vorik was there in a flash, supporting her arm.

"Are you alright?"

"Yeah, I just, the surgical site still hurts. I have to go to the bathroom."

"Okay, let's go." He held her for support and she turned in the doorway.

"I'll be okay."

"Please do not lock the door, just in case."

She used the toilet and washed her hands. She plodded out and he helped her back to her bed. Just that short trip exhausted her. She looked down at the floor, "Look, I need to change my clothes, I'm not staying in this medbay gown." She pointed at her dresser, "Could you open that and get me some clothes, I'll point them out."

He was quick to help and he put the clothes she requested on her bed. "Please go in the living room while I change. If I need you, I'll call for you, okay?"

He nodded and left. She got changed, which was no easy feat, but she managed. She was determined to ask him for as little help as possible. "Okay, I'm dressed. I'm fine." She started to slowly scoot back on the bed.

He reappeared, "I brought a bag of my things to stay here for a few days to help you out. When you're better enough for me to leave, I will."

She nodded, "Yeah, fine." Her frustration was growing by the hour as he continued to not talk to her about anything, and she was determined not to bring it up. She lay in bed and fell asleep, waking only briefly when he passed through her bedroom to use the bathroom. She turned over and went back asleep.

In the middle of the night, she woke, screaming with Vorik racing in her room. She sat up, wild-eyed, "What, what's happening!" she looked around.

"Are you okay?" alarmed, he sat on her bed and put his hands on her shoulders, looking her over.

"What?" she started to wake up, "Oh, god, I saw something, there was something there." She looked over in the corner where she'd seen a shadow or something. It was gone now that she was fully awake. She grabbed her side and winced, then leaned her head on his shoulder as he gently held her. Her eyes flew open and she pushed herself back, wiping the hair off her face. "I'm fine, just another night terror."

He still had his hand on her shoulder. "Are you certain? You looked like you were in pain."

"It's the incision site. It pulls a bit. He couldn't give me any painkillers." She propped herself up on her hand and looked up at him. It was jarring, seeing him in the dim light of night, comforting her, sitting on her bed.

"I need to get some sleep, thank you for checking on me."

"Of course." He got up from the bed and walked out of her room.

She turned over in bed. She thought about how different things could have been, if only he hadn't rejected her when they got back on board. This should be the happiest time of her life, instead it was the most confusing and painful. She wanted their relationship back, but didn't want him to be with her just because of the baby. It didn't seem like that was even in his thoughts. Actually, she didn't know what was in in his thoughts because he wasn't talking to her. She missed him, and having him there with her reminded her of their time on the planet. Hot, silent tears started to fall as she clung to her pillow. She was dejected.

She went back to sleep and woke up in the morning to the smell of food coming from her kitchen. She turned over, disoriented, thinking she was back on the planet in the flyer. She saw her knife collection on the wall and the reality of her situation came back to her like a slap in the face. She turned over and swung her legs over the side of the bed.

"The doctor wants to come over as soon as you're ready to see him."

She looked up through her messy hair and nodded.

He walked over to her and held out his hand. She took it and they went to the bathroom. When she got out, he was waiting again.

"I've got breakfast ready, if you'd like some. I can bring it in here, or I can help you to the other room, whatever you'd like."

"I'd like to get out of this room." She took his hand again and she carefully walked over to her table and sat down. He quickly brought out her meal and some tea.

He stood stiffly by the table, "I didn't know if it would be acceptable if I ate breakfast with you. I can eat in the kitchen, if you'd like."

She was irritated with his solicitousness, but thought about Kes' lecture yesterday about not letting her pride get in her way. "You can eat here, that's fine."

They ate in silence, and afterwards he helped her down to the couch. She didn't have her communicator on. "Could you contact the doctor and let him know he can come by?"

Vorik nodded and did so. The doctor was there shortly, and Vorik went to the bedroom and waited as he examined her.

"You're healing up well. How are you feeling?"

She made a face, "It hurts like hell."

"Yes, that's to be expected. Scans indicate the baby is doing well."

"Are there any vitamins or anything I should be taking to make sure everything goes okay? I mean, I didn't drink or anything, just juice and protein shakes Neelix made me."

"I can send some down I think will be beneficial." He called out to Vorik, "You may come back in."

He walked in and stood in the doorway of her living room.

The doctor turned his attention back to her, "I want him to stay at least another two days."

"That's fine. He's taking good care of me." she gave credit where it was due. Like it or not, she needed him for now.

The doctor smiled, "Good. Any other questions?"

"Yes, is it okay to take a shower yet?"

"Hm, yes. Just make sure Vorik is standing by to help you stand up."

Her forehead creased, "No, I'm sure I'll be fine."

He shook his head, "Nope, chances of you getting dizzy and falling are too high. How is your walking? A little unsteady?"

She didn't answer.

"I thought so." He stood up and collected his scanning equipment. "Just have him stand next to you by the shower to help you out. Right, Ensign?"

Vorik nodded, "Of course doctor, whatever you recommend."

"No way." She was adamant.

The doctor looked between the two of them then he turned back to Rae, "I don't see what the issue is, he's obviously seen you naked before." He flipped around and marched out before Rae could retort.

She fumed while Vorik sat down on the other couch. "This is ridiculous. This whole situation, this whole arrangement." She slammed her hands down on the couch, "I'll get Kes to help me out later tonight or something."

"I don't have a problem with it."

She lost it, "I bet you don't. You're not the one going through all this, I am."

"I'm going through it too, Rae."

"You. Really? What, am I supposed to feel sorry for you now?" She raised her voice.

"You need to be logical-"

"Logical? Like how you used me on the away mission, then ignored me and discarded me when we got back on board?"

"Yes, no, not really, it wasn't like that."

"The hell it was!"

He held his hands out to her, "Please, calm down, I want to talk to you about everything, but I was waiting until you were well."

"You heard the doctor, I'm well enough. I want to know why. Why?" she started to cry, "Dammit." She wiped tears away and he started to get up to come closer, but she held her hand out to stop him. "No."

He sat back down, and took a deep breath, looking down at his folded hands, leaning on his knees.

"I didn't use you. Everything that happened on the planet was genuine."

"Then why-"

"Please, just let me explain. When we came back I had the debrief with Lieutenant Torres. Everything was very positive. She told me she was promoting me to Engineering lead. Second in command under her. She asked me not to tell anyone until it was official, after the second away mission. The one I was on with Ensign Kim."

She nodded her head, confused.

"So you see what I had to do."

"No, I don't follow you at all."

"If I'm in charge of the Engineering department, I'm over you. We can't be in a relationship and work together like that."

She gasped, "You dumped me for a promotion?" she shifted on the couch and leaned forward, "For a job!"

"Yes." He was startled at her level of anger.

"Get the fuck out of here, you son of a bitch!"

"What?"

"You heard me! Get out!"

"No, you have to listen to me-"

"I don't have to do anything!" she stood up and he sprang up and stood next to her, trying to get her to sit back down. She slapped at his hand, "Get off, get off of me!"

"Dammit, Rae! Let me finish." His eyes blazed.

She glared at him. "Fine." She said through gritted teeth. She stood with her arms folded in front of her. "I can't wait to hear how you try to justify this."

"I had no choice, don't you see? I had to take the job, I couldn't tell her no. Who else would do it? To be asked was a great honor."

"So why didn't you just tell me about it?"

"What would you have done? The regulations are clear."

"But Torres could have made an exception."

"That is not possible. Lieutenant Torres and the Captain do not make exceptions to Star Fleet regulations. If they started doing that, there would be chaos on the ship. There are no relationships on board with people in the same department. It's a conflict of interest and would cause issues with the crewman."

"I still don't see why you couldn't have had the decency to tell me."

"What would you have said Rae? We were together, what would you have said? That you would leave Engineering?"

"Well, yes, probably. You never gave me the chance for a choice. You made the choice for me."

"Because your choice would have destroyed us. You already told me how you disliked hydroponics. I would never let you sideline your career for me."

"But I loved you, I would gladly have done it to be together."

"And I knew that. I couldn't let you do that. Remember how you told me you'd done that for your fiancé? You left your studies at Star Fleet and said you always regretted that, resented him for it. I couldn't have you be with me and hate me for it."

She thought back, she didn't even remember telling him that. She sat back down and shook her head, "But if I had gone through with the wedding with him, I wouldn't have felt that way."

"Indeed." He looked at her skeptically.

She frowned, she knew he was right. "Why would you put me through all that pain, not just tell me about it?"

"Lieutenant Torres swore me to secrecy, and I knew you would sacrifice your career for me and I couldn't let you end up resenting me. Think about it Rae, we would be happy for a while, but you could never be content with me having a promotion in Engineering and you having to leave to do work you don't like. After the away mission, the announcement for the promotion would be made, and I thought you would know why I had to react the way I did. I did hope that after having the position for a while, I could appeal to Lieutenant Torres for some way around it, I don't know." He shook his head in dismay.

"It's still unbelievable. You destroyed me, I ended up losing myself anyway in the pain from your rejection and silence. My god, you can never know how much you tortured me." She covered her face up with her hands.

Vorik was crushed, "I'm so sorry Rae. I didn't know to what level it was affecting you. I had no choice."

"Sure, it all worked out for you."

He started to pace, "No it didn't," he snapped, "You don't know anything," he raised his voice, "don't you think I went through the pain you did? I spent every day, every night thinking about you, missing you, being trapped. I'm bound by regulations and protocol, yet every fiber of my being is crying out for you. You think I made the wrong decision, that's why I could never come to you about it, I knew you would let your emotions overcome your logic and you would sacrifice yourself."

"But what kind of sacrifice was it to be without you? I loved you, you were everything I wanted and needed, and you took it all away, I nearly died. I wanted to die." She started to cry.

He was overwhelmed with remorse. "I'm so sorry. I should never have become intimate with you on the mission."

"Yeah," she was dismayed he wished it never happened. His reasoning made sense, in a Vulcan mindset. "Guess you wish you could take it all back. Wish I'd never been on the mission."

"No," he sat next to her, "I don't regret it at all. I should have waited, that's all. I was planning to, but then we got stuck down there in the storm, and I was consumed by you. You woke something inside me I never knew existed. I cherished you. To have to abandon you was a daily anguish. I talked to Lieutenant Torres about you working in Engineering full time, but you turned it down."

She looked up, "I couldn't be around you so much, it was too hard."

He hung his head, "I thought I'd made the right decision, but now it's not so clear at all." He glanced over at her, "I know you are deciding about the baby. I want you to have it and I want to be with you. I'd want to be with you even if there wasn't a baby. That's what I want, but the decision is yours." He rubbed his eyes, "I'm turning down the job. I love you so much, please forgive me, please, I'm so sorry."

"You don't have to turn down the job. You should take it." She said flatly.

He put his head in his hands. He was afraid she would say that. "You're not going to be with me. I understand. I've hurt you too much, and I apologize."

"A boy."

"What?"

"It's a boy, I'm having a boy. The doctor told me yesterday."

"You're going to have the baby?"

"Yes. Definitely."

He smiled, relieved, "I'm glad. I hope you can let me be a big part in his life."

"You'll be living here, so it shouldn't be a problem."

He looked over at her. "Are you saying you want to be together?" he asked hopefully.

She nodded, "My job is going to be a mom. I might still work in Engineering a little bit or with Kes, but I'm the baby's mother, and there's no one here on the ship who's going to watch him while I work. I'm the one to be with him, to teach him. And as much as you pissed me off, we belong together. Don't you think?"

He dropped to the floor on his knees in front of her and hugged her, burying his face in her shoulder and holding the back of her head. "Rae, I've missed you so much, I love you with every part of me. I can't believe you're going to forgive me, I'll spend the rest of my life making it up to you."

"It's okay, we're going to be okay." She whispered as she held onto him and he slowly rocked back and forth. "I forgive you, Vorik."


	18. Chapter 18

Two weeks later, Rae stormed in her quarters and threw her datapad on the table. Vorik watched her with concern from the couch, silent as she paced back and forth.

"Let's call the whole thing off, I mean it." She stood with her hands on her hips looking up at the ceiling.

"What? Why?"

She turned angrily towards him, "Neelix is driving me crazy with details for the wedding reception. I've had it. Every time we get the menu set, he hounds me with ten new ideas that he wants to try. And don't even get me started on the wedding cake."

He stood up and walked over to her, putting his hands on her shoulders.

She looked up at him , "I'm serious, we should just elope."

He smiled, "How would we do that?"

"I don't know, maybe we could just have the Captain come up here tonight and do it or something."

He pulled her in for a hug, then released her. She held onto his hand.

"Do you want me to talk to Neelix?"

She sighed, "I tried. I even had Kes talk to him, it didn't make a difference."

"They are excited for us, I believe his enthusiasm for the wedding has overcome his logic."

"I know, but he is driving me crazy."

He led her over to sit down on the couch. "Everything else for planning it is going well, however?"

She nodded and sat down.

"What if you let him make the decisions for the menu and the cake, with the guidelines we've already set. Then he wouldn't have to keep consulting with you when he has a new idea."

She thought for a moment, "You mean give him carte blanche?"

"I don't know what that means."

"It means give him a free reign to do whatever he wants with it."

He nodded, "If you aren't too concerned about the specifics, why not? As well, it could be a type of gift from him, he can use his own creativity and make it a surprise for us. I believe he would like that, as would you."

She nodded, thinking it over, "That's a good idea. I'll tell him that." She turned to him and smiled. "I knew you could help me with it." She snuggled into him on the couch.

"The crew would be very disappointed if we canceled the ceremony."

"Yes, I know." She said.

"You worried me for a moment, I thought you were backing out of the wedding."

She turned to look at him, "No way, never. You don't have to worry about that." She lay back and leaned against him.

"How did your shift go? You were still working on those computations when I left."

She shrugged, "Progress, but not there yet."

She had gone back to work three days prior. They had worked it out with the Captain that she would work a couple of part-time shifts during the week only when Torres was there and could be her direct supervisor. Vorik had been given and accepted the promotion. She still worked in hydroponics with Kes, just less shifts until she fully healed.

She started drifting off to sleep, and Vorik eased himself out from underneath her and went to the kitchen to put dinner together. She woke up to seeing him putting cups on the table.

"Oh," she put her hand to her head, "I fell asleep."

He put the drink pitcher down, "You need more sleep, that's to be expected."

She got up and sat down, looking at the variety of foods he had brought out. He had done a lot of research on human – Vulcan pregnancies, and made some new replicator meals to meet her nutritional requirements.

He came out of the kitchen and put a tablet down by her plate, "Your vitamin."

She took it and watched him over the top of her glass. He waited to eat, "Is it all okay?"

She nodded, "Yes, it looks delicious. You take good care of me."

"I'm glad you think so."

It had been a little awkward the first week when he moved in. In some ways they were thrilled to be back together, but she still held some resentment and fear over how he had rejected her. No matter how much she understood it logically, her emotions still needed to be overcome. It didn't help that the pregnancy was making them more variable. She'd talked with Kes, and even Tuvok to help her work through some of her thoughts and feelings, and now felt like they were able to move forward, and put the past behind them.

They ate and she looked down at her stomach, "I wonder how big I'm going to get. It's hard to imagine what I'll look like."

"You will be beautiful. I look forward to seeing you waddling around the ship."

She laughed, "That's a strange thing to say."

"No, I mean it. To see you carrying around my child inside you is just an amazing dream."

She reached out and took his hand in hers. "It is for me, as well." She kept eating and looked around their quarters. "You know, I was thinking, if we knocked out the wall between our bedroom and the quarters next door, we could have a lot more space."

He looked in the direction of their bedroom. "The quarters next door are a two bedroom, like Ensign Wildman's room. Would it not be more logical to move there instead?"

She shook her head no, "That only gives us one extra bedroom. If we expanded out, we could have two more extra rooms, and the living room could be a schoolroom. So it would be separate. We could even repurpose the other kitchen to a nursery." She took a forkful of food and looked at him inquiringly.

He put his drink down and stared at her, "How many children are you planning on us having?"

She gestured with her fork, "Oh, at least four."

"Four?"

She nodded, "Or more. There's another empty cabin next to it. We could definitely have seven or eight. I don't think I'd want more than eight, though." She took another bite of food.

He leaned back from the table, "Eight? You would really have that many?"

"Of course. You wouldn't?" she shook her head, "Oh, I just thought you'd be thinking the same way."

"No, I mean, I never thought you'd be willing or able to have that many, but to have so many children would be the biggest honor, biggest achievement in our life. I didn't even think of asking you for such a sacrifice."

"I know Vulcan women can't have so many, but human women are different. Your mother was human, you have two sisters, right?"

He nodded, "Yes."

"Well, I've always wanted a large family, and here in the delta quadrant, we're the only family we've got. I'm a bit older, so I think eight is probably what we can aim for. Unless I have twins, which doesn't run in my family. There aren't any twins in your family, are there?"

He shook his head no.

"That's good. I think twins would be a bit much."

"What about work? I don't want you to give up that much of yourself."

"I figure I can do a few shifts a week. I can do one or two half shifts in Engineering a week while you watch the kids, then a few in hydroponics and I can bring them with me. It's a lot more informal down there. Then as they get older they can help us out. Of course, as they get older I'll be holding school." She frowned, "I think I can get some of the rest of the crew to do some school shifts with them, teaching a class or two on subjects you and I can't do. I can trade with Ensign Wildman, too. She's been working with Naomi herself, I bet she would like someone else to help her out."

"You've really thought this out."

"I know it's way in the future, but I can just see it so clearly, you know? It just seems so right."

"Yes. I'm so glad you gave me a second chance."

"I'm glad you wanted one."

He studied her, thinking over what she'd said. He had been so afraid she would resent their relationship dampening her career, that now to see her so excited about adjusting to raise their children, and be so excited about their future together, it was incredible. He would make sure that somehow she would always be on the Engineering team in some way, even just consulting to keep that part of herself. No matter how willing she was, he wanted her to keep the parts of herself that were hers alone.

After they ate, he cleared off the table and she left to take a shower. He came back in the living room, "Rae?" he looked in the bedroom, she was coming out of the bathroom with the towel around her.

"You know, after this Saturday you can call me wife."

"Indeed."

She let the towel drop and walked up to him, putting her arms around his neck, "I can't wait." She kissed him. He put his hands around her waist lightly, but pulled back.

"Rae, we can't."

"Why not?"

"Your surgery, you're still healing."

She kissed his cheek, "I had a check-up with the doctor this morning, everything is cleared."

"I want to, but what about the baby?"

She smiled, "If you're going to feel weird about that, the next 10 years or so are going to be very long and miserable for you, and me too."

"We should ask the doctor."

"I already did. He said there isn't any problem. Even up until the last 10th or 11th month. It just gets a little tricky logistically then."

"No risk to the baby?"

"Nope, none at all. You don't have a problem with it, do you? You won't find it off-putting when I get bigger, would you?"

He gripped her waist and shook his head no, "Absolutely not. Actually, I think it would be quite sexy."

"Mmm, good. Because I plan on being pregnant quite a lot in the future."

"And I plan on getting you pregnant quite a lot."

She widened her eyes in mock surprise, "Well then, that's what makes us the perfect couple, doesn't it?"

He pulled her closer, "Most definitely."

"Mmm, I have missed this," she breathed into his shoulder.

He rubbed his hands and her back and lightly kissed her on her neck. Their breathing got deeper, their grip on each other stronger. Rae pulled back and crawled on the bed. "You don't know how many years I fantasized about us being here together like this."

He started unclasping his clothes. "I had no idea. I wish I had."

"Everything in the right time, I suppose." She leaned over on her hand and watched him.

"You sure everything will be okay?"

She laughed, "Yes. You worry too much."

"That's because I love you very much."

She moved over as he got in bed beside her and reached over for her. She pressed against him and put her leg over his, rubbing herself against him. He gingerly reached down between her legs with his finger.

"You're wet."

"For you." She kissed him passionately and pushed up against his hand, pushing his finger in her further, moaning. He pulled his hand away and turned her over on her back, "Am I able to get on top of you?"

"Yes, for now." She pulled on his hips, it had been so long, she literally ached to feel his skin on hers. The past week they'd been sleeping together, but like roommates, just cuddling at most. She'd been anxious for the doctor appointment that morning to give her the go-ahead.

He pushed her legs apart farther and she wrapped them around his, arching her back up to rub on his cock. "Oh, I missed that so, so much." She thought back to all the time they spent together on the planet, this was how she had imagined their return to Voyager being. She looked up into his eyes, half-closed and full of lust for her. He had told her how she made him feel complete, freed him to experience his human side. He pulled back and held himself at her opening, sliding in slowly. She threw her head back, yelling his name out, feeling his delicious hardness stretching her apart. He was slower, more deliberate in his movements. She knew he was being careful out of caution, and to be truthful, her surgical scar was still healing. She squelched the temptation to go full force.

"I love you so much," he whispered, his eyes boring down into her.

"Oh fuck, I-" she made a face and pulled her shoulders up.

"What? What is it-"

"I'm cumming," she managed to squeak out. It came on so strong and fast it surprised her. He starting moving faster and climaxed as well, gripping the sheets in his hands and pulling himself down on her. She dug her fingers into his back, raking them down his skin. She felt wave after wave, spasming against him. It seemed that everything was heightened. She caught her breath as he peppered her with warm kissed on her cheek, her chest. He looked down, "I'm going to pull out."

She pouted, "But-"

He gave her a warning look, "It would be logical to be conservative."

She sighed, "I agree." She reluctantly relaxed her legs as she felt him move down. He lay next to her and hugged her, "You feel okay?" he asked.

"Yes, fantastic. Nothing hurting." She cuddled up to him.

"I am looking forward to seeing you in your godmother's wedding dress."

She smiled, "I remember when you came up to my quarters before the mission and looked at it."

"Yes, that's correct, I did. It is beautiful. I'm pleased you have it here to wear Saturday." He pulled her hand up and kissed it.

"Me too. I never thought I would actually get to wear it." She took his hand in hers and rubbed it on her belly.

"There is still one thing we really need to talk about." He said softly.

"Hmm?"

"A name."

"We have 8 more months to figure that out."

"It is tradition to use the grandfather's name."

She turned slightly to look at him, "I thought about it, and I have to be honest with you, I just can't go with Egentrude."

"Why not?"

She grunted, "It's just not, look, I'm sure it was a great name for him for 100 years ago, but I just don't like it, I'm sorry." She had a sudden thought, "Wait – I've got the perfect name – Jason."

"Is that your grandfather's name?"

She shook her head no, "It's Ashmore's name."

He thought for a moment, "A very good selection. I concur. We can teach him about the man he was named for."

"Makes sense, the baby wouldn't be here if it wasn't for him encouraging you."

"He opened my eyes. You were there in front of me the whole time. I always admired you, and acknowledged your beauty, but it never occurred to me you might think of me in that way."

"We're destined to be together." She hugged his arm tightly around her and went contentedly to sleep.

-END-


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